so, i'm married. for the second and last time. but...not always happily. most of the time, yes...but sometimes i want/need MORE: -want to be told i'm fucking hot, totally fuckable, and still sexy at age 44. even if it's not really all that true any more (hell, i'm 44 and have had 2 kids!) -want to be wanted more than i want. sometimes want to want more than i'm wanted. - want to be taken. just totally taken. by surprise. maybe even by a stranger. so, here's my confession: i'm a white married mom of four who loves to party and still get my rock'n'roll on. i go to a punk concert and and later meet a younger and exceptionally hot black man who wants nothing more than to fuck me silly. drunk as i am, much as i want to...i say 'no can do, married, kids, blah blah blah.' except...i make out with him in a back alley like we're teenagers. he gives me a fucking HICKEY, fer chrissake. i haven't had a hickey since high school. we don't actually have sex, not even sort of...just heavy kissing & copping a few feels now and then. still, we remain chaste as chaste can be when one of us is MARRIED. so, a couple days pass where i feel alternately guilty and thrilled that a young 30-something single guy wants me. he texts my phone the next morning...while i'm still in the guilt phase...so i ignore it. try to pretend it didn't happen. the silly hickey is a 'curling iron burn'...and i try to forget. which works just fine until tonight, when my husband tells me he's horny but tired (subtext=kind of bored, too). So i answer the text, tell him to call me (embarrasingly, neither of us remembers each others name - just the lust, the want, the FUCK ME NOW feeling). Weirdly, that's ok with us both. We really just want to screw each other silly. So...what do i do? follow my fantasy? (in all my years as a single person, i've wanted to fuck a black man but never had the chance or the right man). i realize that this sounds horrible: i don't want to fuck him just b/c he's black, or just b/c he's younger than me, though those things play heavily into my fantasies... i want to fuck him because there is something i've lost in my marriage: this younger hot guy wants to worship me, wants to pay a kind of attention to me, and my pussy, that i think my husband has forgotton about. i want to fuck him to see him come: to worship him, his cock...something my husband now takes for granted. BUT. but. but. i'm not the kind of woman to have an affair, to cheat on a husband who loves me even once the sense of being cherished is gone. i know that is unsustainable in the long-term, but easy to achieve in the short, esp. with a man who knows he can never really HAVE ME, OWN ME, OR COUNT ON ME. goddammit, that's part of the thrill: I AM NOT YOURS. I do not belong to you any more than you belong to me. WE CAN JUST ENJOY EACH OTHER'S BODIES. he knows where we stand. i can't bring myself to tell my husband my fantasies about this (he pretends he would indulge my fantasies, but i don't trust the reality of detail). is his race part of the thrill? it's another horrible thing i hate to admit (because generally, i don't 'see' race often). but yes, yes, yes, it is. the thought of his dark skin against my fair irish-american skin is thrilling to me. but then there's the fears: #1, my husband finds out and is hurt because i didn't tell him first. #2, that this sweet young man wants more from me than i can give. #3, he's just playing out his own fantasy and i am just his pawn. and the worst fear???? once he sees this 44 year old body he finds me completely unattractive. i don't really want advice, i'm afraid. i'll probably follow through on this because I WANT. because HE WANTS. because...what's the worst that can happen? chances are (safe sex), no one will ever know besides the two of us...
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