Posted on November 13, 2009 at 02:14 PM (PST)
( 3 months ago);
section: confession / relationships
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Confession of a Lifetime
By Anonymous
Growing up, I was pretty much a sheltered child, and not many boys ever seemed to take any interest in me. Until my brother hit puberty. This is not something that I am proud of. I have never told anyone in my life what you are about to read. My brother and I were very close, we were only a year and a half away from each other in age, and we were pretty much best friends. Any of the friends he had, I had. We both liked pretty much everything the same.
When my brother started discovering just what he had in his pants, he changed. He became very curious about the opposite sex. I was the perfect subject for him to discover everything about girls. Our house only had three bedrooms, where mom and dad got one, my older sister got another and my brother and I had to share. He of course had always seen me naked, and I had always seen him naked. It wasn’t anything weird to us. Of course we all grow up, and we all become curious.
My brother and I became the perfect case of incest. I never liked it, and we both knew it was wrong, but our curiosity always got the best of us. It started out as dry humping, and we would do it underneath our beds. I never really knew what he was doing, at first, and it didn’t really do anything for me. He would have his legs wrapped around me and I would just lay there straight as an arrow.
Years passed, and my brother would continue to do this to me. I soon found out why he did it, and for some reason I let him. Every thought in my head kept telling me not to, and yet, I never once resisted him. We soon went to junior high, and he went to high school. This behavior was still occurring though we had moved up a little, where I had started to enjoy it. Not mentally, but physically. He started to use his hands on me, and inside of me. It felt good really good, and I didn’t care while he was doing it. However, every time he was finished, I felt ashamed. We never in all those years ever said anything to each other about it, and we never did even after he got married.
When I was 14 we moved away from the only place I had ever called home, onto my grandparents farm. I hated it, and I still had to share a room with my brother. About two weeks after we moved in, my parents and my sister had gone out somewhere to go shopping for groceries. My brother and I had the house to ourselves. I wanted to play games outside, but my brother insisted we play inside. So we did, and of course something started to happen. He was horny and needed a fix, so I let him use me. But something different happened. We got naked, and he put his penis inside me, and it hurt. I cried the whole time, and he just kept going. He pulled out and covered me in semen. He went to the bathroom, cleaned himself off, and then wiped it off of me.
Many women get to reminisce about their first time, and how romantic it was for them. Not me. I can’t ever tell anyone about my first time, and it will haunt me for the rest of my life. I would report it, but I let him do it. I could have stopped him, and I didn’t. Why didn’t I stop him? To this day I have lied to myself about what happened, and have lied to every man I have ever loved.
As of right now, I am dating a man who I think is the one, and I lie to him. I tell him that I have only had three partners before him, and he is still a virgin right now. I told every boy before this the same lie. I have taken two virgin cards, and one thought it was a first time for both of us. I lie. I hate lying. I have tried to lie to myself, but it never works. I am afraid to make love with the man I am with now, because I want to be honest with him, and I can’t. it hurts me inside, its killing me.
[reply] -- recommended reading?
2 responses to Incest
RE: Incest
Posted on November 14, 2009 at 03:18 AM (PST) ( 3 months ago )wrote the following:
i get ya... me too. only it was my cousin and mutual. we started in my basement during a family get together... i let him finger me. from there, things just changed. every time we saw each other we did something... made out, groped... it felt good to me, and to him. then came that summer... i spent a couple of nights at their house. he introduced me to his friend and we all hung out and when his friend started showing interest or being flirty, he'd change, get almost jealous... his friend read it as protective but i knew better. that night, after everyone had gone to bed, we stayed up late watching a movie and then he started touching me. we ended up in his bedroom in the basement. he asked me if i wanted to and i did.. we did. i told my sisters jokingly but one thought it would be a good way to get me in trouble. and then my whole family knew, including his parents. a few years later, our grandmother in the hospital, the family distracted with worry, and us now adults, we reconnected. he'd even gotten married and was talking about introducing me to a friend of his. his wife took a liking to me right away and we became fast friends. he'd drive across town to pick me up to spend weekends at their place... she worked during the day on the weekends so that left us alone. we had sex two sometimes three times a day while she was gone, not going home til sunday night after she made us dinner. they moved to another state and we didn't keep in touch, wasn't like that. a few years passed, they divorced, he moved back to town and i was moving out of town. he offered to help me pack and load the truck the next day. most everything ended up thrown in boxes and bags because he wouldn't quit touching me. i didn't object and i liked teasing him... that was the last night it happened and the last time we saw each other. i don't feel a bit guilty about it... not even embarrassed that my family knows about that one isolated incident. the fact is that we are human animals. and most animals don't care who's related to who, they merely fulfill an instinctual need. let go of the guilt, it's not still happening and you allowed because you trusted him. your problem is intimacy, not sex. and if you love the one, you can have sex without the intimacy, intimacy grows with time.
RE: Incest
Posted on November 24, 2009 at 08:23 AM (PST) ( 3 months ago )wrote the following:
I can understand how you feel. My older brother and I had incest for a few months. I knew it was wrong, but did it anyway. I still blame myself for it ever happening in the first place. We don't get along and he had made me to feel like I'm such a terrible person. Ofcourse, he has never mentioned it to me or said sorry. He treated me really terrible-verbally after I told him to leave me alone. I really hate myself and him that it ever happened. I wish I could just get hypotized and forget it and the thought of it makes me sick and want to just die. I told my mother and cousin. I'm afraid my cousin who has always had a big mouth has already told other relatives and this is driving me crazy. We did not have intercouse, but there was touching and oral sex involved. I feel so digusting, ashamed and evil for it. Don't think or know how I can ever overcome it. I just startd going to a social worker and talked about it last week. Please get yourself help.