I get this knot in my stomach, everytime after I’ve seen Jason. I can’t stand it. I thought this time I won’t even be interested in him. This time will be the last time we hang out. I think this almost everytime we hang out. I have been thinking this for over a month. And then everytime it’s fucking amazing. He arrives and I find myself nervous even though we’ve been dating like 4 months. We hadn’t seen each other in a week and a half. I was trying not to see him and he didn’t seem to really try to see me either. I thought I am dreading this. I am probably not going to be interested this time and won’t want to sleep with him, but probably will anyway out of habit. But that was not the case either. So we meet and all I can think about is how much I like him and want to sleep with him and be near him. I am like a pathetic little puppy dog. I can’t think of anything to talk about. Fortunately he carries the conversation this time. A problem we usually have of a lack of conversational flow. But not this time. This time he is on a roll. I have a drink and we head to his place to watch a movie. It’s so nice to cuddle up and be near each other. I feel so happy. (but I promise this drug is a temporary high that will leave me sick for days) Then we head to sleep, which means we lay in bed pretend we are going to sleep but really are going to have sex, oh the catholic types. And I can’t even wait for him to start things I immediately kiss him. The sex is amazing. Very hot. Afterwards, we cuddle and sleep. It’s so nice to be held. I have really missed this. All of it…then the next morning arrives. I never sleep well. I get up exhausted and get ready for work. As I am about ready to leave, he struts around naked. I want to fuck him again, but I won’t. We kiss deeply several times. I touch him to show a bit of playfulness and then I leave. All I can think about it what an amazing time I had…and the knot in my stomach begins again. I tense up, I feel a pang inside me. I can’t focus. I am feeling high and euphoric. I am totally and utterly infatuated with this boy. I have no control. I think he has all the control. I think he is the one manipulating me. He is the one who doesn’t care. At work he messages me “hi hottie, you left me wanting more…I had to go satisfy myself after you left”. I think to myself, I suppose that is a good way to leave things, him wanting more. Him not being able to get more until he returns from his trip. Although I probably shouldn’t, I tell him I am really hot for him and he returns the compliment. Although I know I will see him again, I still have this fear I won’t and yet why am I worrying about that anyway. Again I feel I have no control. The only control I have it not to be able to be reached. To ignore, to let him know I am desirable and continue to date others, others I am not interested in. Others that I want myself to feel attraction for so I can escape these feelings I have. The feelings I have for someone who is dangerous for me. Someone who leaves me hanging, who makes me feel ill for days afterwards. And just when I think I am cured, I inject myself again and find my addiction. I can’t breath. I can’t think I can only obsess about the next high I want.
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