You Can't Repeat the Past

I don’t even know what to say to you. You broke my heart and you know that by now. I fell so hard for you and everything was lies. You let it all fall apart while I desperately fought for you. I knew you were going to get bored with me. I told you that and you shrugged it off but that’s what happened. You got bored with me and you stopped trying and then you expected to be able to waltz back in and restart what we had lost. It’s never gonna happen. We can’t be together. We don’t work and we won’t work. So why am I still so hung up on you? It’s been over a year. I don’t know how to be here without you pursuing me. I’d like to think that if it ever happened that I wanted to be with you again that I could come running back to you and you would ecstatically profess that that’s all you ever wanted. I wish that’d always be an option. I think deep down a part of me still hopes that you’ll get it together and we could actually work out. But, logically that’s a horrible idea. Nostalgia is a nasty disease. Every time I’m around you I wish I could rewind and figure out what happened in our relationship. In some ways we made a lot of sense. We were each other’s best friends. But you hid a whole side of yourself from me. You weren’t perfect for me. You discouraged a lot of things that made me happy. A lot of who I am. I couldn’t flourish in our relationship. We fought hard and it was ugly and unhealthy. We were so great at times of peace. We laughed and loved and it was beautiful the way we interacted. Just a few weeks ago you told me you still loved me and that you’ll always love me. Now someone else is calling you babe? Someone else is the background on your phone? I’m no longer “Beautiful” in your phone? You actually moved on with your life since I left? It doesn’t make sense to me that if you truly believed that you’d always love me that you’re with some other girl. Either you’re a liar or you are contradicting yourself. I don’t get what you’re doing. It makes me want to reach out to you. I want to know your motives in all of this. Why this makes sense in your head. I know it won’t end well. I know we’ll just get angry and get nowhere. I can’t comprehend why you’re doing this. I want my best friend back. I want the guy that would stay on the phone with me for three hours because I was afraid. I want my partner in crime, my us against the world, my teenage life back. I don’t want to do with this new girl what I did with the last one. I don’t want to break you too up, I just want to rewind. I want to be a naïve little girl again who is hopeful and has huge dreams about the world ahead. I want to believe in people. I want to believe in love. I wish this horrible silence didn’t have to exist between us. I wish we could joke around about life with each other. I wish I could punch you in the arm when you’re being stupid and hug you when you’re being nice. But I can’t. We exist in this false world of nothingness where neither of us exists to each other when we are around each other. It’s terrible. I hate doing it. I hate that I can’t be myself around you anymore. I want to talk you. I wish we could get lunch and catch up on life and figure out what’s going on with each other. But I know you enough to know that doing that would only make it all harder, more complicated. I’d seem desperate, you’d get frustrated, I’d get frustrated, and we’d be back to where we were. You are a huge pain in the butt.