Lonely or tired of being alone?

wrote the following:

Am I too self absorbed to take time and think.  Why can't I commit to finding a quality girlfriend? what am I scared of? I show the real me on the daily. why have I built up this calous wall? what will it take to lance this hardened skin? why do I go for the hottest chick in the bar knowing full well that I won't close the deal?
why am I deathly afraid of being emotionally tied to women I fuck? what is the remedy to this madness? i'm definitely not lonely, just tired of being alone. or do I just say this for a mere copesetic relief of mind. why am I so tormented by this? how is it that I can talk to soooo many beautiful women, but don't have the courage to go to the next step. it appears that this is one of the roots to my beligerent drunkeness. this unfufilling quest to numb my insecurity. how much more productive can I be if I stay sober? why am I soo angry and frustrated? I just want someone to talk to. someone who will reciprocate back the same energy that I put forth. why do I feel like an outsider looking in? I hate this self loathing. what does this prove? questions questions questions. that don't necessarily need answering. just more of an escape out of my mind. to push new limits. to be raw and genuine. I want to learn to become more meek. power under control. to be humble, yet powerful. I strive to inspire, but don't know how to take genuine compliments. i'm a cynic. I question everything, and trust vary few. i'm loyal to those who are close. I wonder what its like to look at me from another person's perspective. kinda curious what other people's observations of me are. not in the sense of what I care what people think. more to entertain the thought. like if I were the object of a people watching session. also, I wonder if the conclusion would change if they knew I was obseving them back? hmmmmm... sounds like an interesting social experiment. that im def gonna have to do.