Why so cold?

I miss having you around, the way you used to be. I miss being able ot tell you everything, but now I just feel judged. I feel as though I have to hide behind a mask and I can no longer be myself around you. You say it's because you love me and care about me. I say it's because you yourself havd no idea who you are. I want to be able to feel safe when around you. To be myself. truth is, I miss my mom, MY mom not the one that you've become. Not the one that's been made up by you. She isn't real, she isn't mine. This constant high school battle with you is starting to make me want to put a gun to head. But I wont the only thing I can do is show you that I can to this on my own, that I can make it with out you. To prove to you that it really was my friends that were there for me. That's why I was gone so many times, that's why I never wanted to go home. I've stuck behind you for so many years, just to find out that those years were all just days full of lies. Just me wasting my time and caving into your tricks and deceit. I don't know what to do, because for the first time I have the power to think for myself and i'm so afraid of making the wrogn choices, afraid of life throwign me back on my ass. I know none of this is making sense to me but in time I'm hoping it will. Just know i'll always love you, you're my mom you brought me into this life. But I certainly was not about to let you be the reason I was taken out of this life. .