Lately I have been feeling extremely depressed and as if I have no friends. I broke up with the love of my life, the boy I had been dating for five years who was perfect and loved me unconditionally because I hate myself and I feel incapable of loving since I am the way I am. I have a lot of friends, but feel as if I have no true friends and I push them away a lot because I feel like they are just pretending to be my friends. Here is my story.. My whole life was a like a bad dream, but when I was 12 years old the shit really hit the fan. This is when my mother started having her “episodes” for lack of a better word. She would yell and scream at my dad every night while he watched tv after work. She accused him of sleeping with other women and of hiding money from our family. Once she learned how to use the internet she would research everything about every woman that she thought my dad was sleeping with. She would print out lists of hundreds of girls names and would take them down and throw them at my dad and scream and yell and chase him around the house. She would hit him and scratch him and then accuse him of hitting her first. She would throw glass, metal, plastic, any heavy object she could find. I would run down when I heard them fighting and I would grab her hands and scream at her to stop, and then she would throw me into the wall or onto the floor and accuse me of trying to protect my “abuser” as she called him. She told me that he molested me when I was a small child which is completely made up because I don’t remember anything of the sort. Then she would come after me. She would chase me around the house screaming at me and telling me that I was the devil and that I was going to hell. I would lock myself in my room and scream and cry and pray to God that he would make her stop, but it never worked. Then she would confuse me the next day because she would pretend like nothing happened. She would hug me and kiss me and tell me she loved me. How confusing is that for a preteen child? I didn’t know whether I should love her or hate her. I desperately wanted to love her. I wanted her to take me into her arms and tell me that everything was going to be okay and that she would never hurt me again. Then the next night she would throw me against the wall again. I'm an only child, so I could never go to anyone for help. I feel as if no one understands exactly what I'm going through. She acts perfect and friendly around everyone else besides my family. Everyone thinks she is a perfect person and the best mom, but she's not. I love her unconditionally obviously since she is my mother, but I feel as if I hate her the same as I love her. I can never actually tell anyone this because people would think that I'm unstable and then I would probably end up losing all of my friends. I just don't know what to do. I wish I could get out of this life and start a new one, but it isn't practical. My life is about practicality. I don't take risks. That is my problem.
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