not so lone wolf

I am so fricking horny and so sick of men... and no, I am not asking for a woman. I just want something special with a man that sticks around. Ist that too much to ask for?...So I lower my standards, and even the safe guys don't want me. I must be stupid or something...I don't understand why you wouldn't want to be around someone 24/7 if you have something... I just don't get these mixed signals. Where is he? What is he doing? And with who?!!! No one is better than me...I'm sitting at home on a Staurday night, alone, next to the phone. Why can't he just fucking text me? Why won't anyone text me? People tell me that I am soooooo hot...so pretty...beautiful...I mean does my personality suck or something? I am so confused. I am shy---I have social phobia, and I have a very hard time getting close to people... Do I kiss guys too soon because won't have to carry a convo? This is so not cute anymore. I am old and have never been in a SERIOUS realtionship. Why do they all leave? What is better than me?...I am very pretty...I mean, very. My problem is that for some reason I have low self esteem...maybe it's been abuse...maybe I don't even remember...all I know is that I just want to be loved romantically for once in my life (and I want it to be real). I am always alone. I am so sick of being alone.