Its not you its me...

i had a good man... he would do anything for me... and i knew this... he would jump before i even told him to... he knew how to treat me... i thought i could play games with him and he would always stay... but i pushed too far last time and now hes gone... it ended so badly that its too far gone now to ever talk to him again much less have him back... i hate myself so badly... he had his flaws... mainly he was a liar... not about anything that mattered... just small stuff... he wanted to sound like he was more than he actually was... but he also wanted to be better than he was... i married not the love of my life... but my best friend... and i ruined it because im so stupid... i ruined it because i was scared... my heart had been so badly bruised from past relationships and even tho i knew he wasnt them i had this need to take everything out on him that had ever gone wrong in my past relationships... i was too guarded... i would act like i didnt want a kiss but i ached for one... i would act like it bothered me when he reached to hold my hand... but really i didnt want him to let go... i would face the other direction at night and pretend to be mad and hope that he would cuddle up to me anyways... but when he did i acted once again like i didnt want him to... what is wrong with me!? all he ever did was try... why couldnt i let myself love him the way he did me? why cant i let anyone love me? my heart literally aches for someone i know i will probably never have... not him but anyone... the right one... i want so badly to feel loved again... but i have no one to blame but myself... will i always be alone? why can i not just accept when i have something good? i think that if i act like i dont love someone then it wont hurt as bad when they leave... but thats not true... it hurts just as bad and its not them doing it... its me doing it to myself! im ready to have a relationship again... i hunger for affection like i never have before... i know my mistakes and i want to try things differently now... i want to let myself go with someone... but sometimes i think its too late for me... actually most of the time thats what i think... i need to be fixed... i know only i can fix myself... but i need someone to help on the way... signed, Its not you its me...