yearnings

I have yearnings to be happy, to be sad, to be creative, to be badass, to be everything i dream of. Most of what's stopping me is the people around me. Whether it be for my safety or the selfishness of others to control my life. I can't be happy because I don't have friends or anyone to share my experience with. I can't be sad because my life really isn't all that bad. I have a good life, food, family, and everything I need to grow up fine. I want to be creative to be able to have something to tell people when I did something with my life. I want to be able to show people I'm not just an ordinary person, I can do art and music and am able to find myself how I want to. Then I want to be badass so that people can see me and say something about me at least. Not the girl who has big tits and so people know her. I just want to be known for being an awesome person you know? I just want to have the freedom to be who I want to be. Especially with my mother. She directs me everywhere. I can't be badass cause she thinks I'm gonna go out and do bad stuff just because I look like a punk. Yeah I may be your daughter but I yearn for attention too. I'm a teenage girl for gods sakes. I have to be cool godammit! Even if right now I go do bad stuff, who will know, I'll still be the same old lame me. Insecure me. Apparently insecure because I don't see that in me but they do. They as in everyone around me. I want style, I want people to realize who I am not just what I look like because I'm reckless. Tacky, boring etc. I just need to feel like I'm me, fully me. Without the extra package of the views of other people. I want to cry because I feel like I can't even live my own life how I want to from my perspective. But who the fuck cares about my perspective huh. Obviously nobody. I'm just a sad old broken down little girl who's already burnt down at age 15. Society won't accept me so why the fuck should I care. Right? Awesome fuck society.