This world sucks, I wish I could kill myself but I have a child. Hopeless.

I really hate the total oppisite of te man I fell in love with.is world. I don't like being around people. All I want to do is be alone and sleep. I take very good care of my son but I am falling apart inside. No hope at all. I'm 37 and have been in many relationships all failures. I finally found an amazing man. Kind, loving, affec tionate, artistic, a musician and absolutely fit me perfectly and we were both so in love for 2 years. He had schizophrenia and was on meds for it but had to go off of them because he developed a tumor in his pituitary gland from it. About 2 months after coming off the meds he slowly started to loose his mind. He thought I was a jehovah's witness spy and that the cars driving by were talking to him. He became the man I fell in love with. It literally was like he died. I kept fighting foir our relationship to survive but he seemed to have fallen out of love with me. This coming from a man who wrote me long love letters, poems and songs up until 3 months before that. He became arrogant, arguementative. I totally refused to fight with him, I would just change the subject, leave the room and cry because I knew it wasn't really him inside , it was the illness. So anyway 3 months after the meds, he broke mine and my sons heart, who loved him very very much, and kicked us out, moved out of his house and became homeless for 2 months, got on meds (but not a theraputic dose, he was refusing treatment) and has been gone for a year now. Our relationship was the kind that people look at and say I wish I had love like that. But then all of the sudden, he dissappeared and I died inside. He has since called 1 time and said he is never coming back. He still didn't sound well but he was serious. I just can't let go. I am a total loser now. Jobless and fatter by 35 lbs and very lazy. I stopped taking care of my house like I used to, I hate life and just want to disappear. I jst canb't seem to pull my self up. I don't want friends, I don't like to call people. Im just so introverted now. I dread any kind of contact with old friends and the public. I have always had a problem with depression and I'm on meds but it's just not enough. Honestly I can't wait till I die or the world ends so I can die along with my child...not saying I would ever kill him but that I wish when we died someday we could die trogether so I would never be apart from him. I just keep hanging on for him. I could never leave him but I desperatrly want to die. Life sucks!!!!!!!!!