Well... So my girlfriend and I've come to realize that even if we (or even only one of us) fall out of love, we'd both still want to be with each other. We both want to stay in each other's lives and we also know as long as we keep contact we can't be on the "just friends" level. Even if it isn't love, the past love keeps us bound. I feel bad because it seems I'm the one that's losing feelings. And she deserves so much better, but she'll be happy as long as she's with me. And I guess in a way I need her as well. I feel terrible, because she shouldn't have to be second best or anything like that. She should be someone's princess, and I question whether or not I'm the right one for that job, but it seems I've landed that position somehow. Anyways, there's a guy. I guess he was one of my more serious "loves" (young puppy love haha, not anything deep but also not just an elementary school flirty crush type thing either. I acutally liked him a lot.) But yeah, we hadn't talked for a while, and recently we started talking again. And I don't know, I guess it's like how it was before again. Back when I liked him (before I met my girlfriend) and back when he liked me a bit too. When we hung out we cuddled and had tickle fights and all that flirty stuff. I felt so torn, I wanted to try going further with him but then I knew I couldn't do that to my girlfriend. Plus at this point I don't even know if he feels that way about me or if he's just a flirty type, he's changed a lot over the years. Anyways, it's so confusing. I haven't felt the butterflies and the "nothing else matters in the world" feeling in so long. It's as if all my sorrows and worries were gone, and even when we came upon darker topics when we talked I still felt safe, like I could tell him anything and cry on his shoulder. Even with my girlfriend, I haven't felt things like that in so long.. And it was really nice. So when I hung out with my girlfriend the next day I told her about all this and how I'm really confused right now. She's a very different type of person.. She tells me that she isn't really jealous.. That she wouldn't really be jealous. The only thing that would bug her would be if it led to me not liking her/wanting to be with her anymore. The only thing that would make her sad was if I wasn't that way with her anymore. It makes me sad, because that's how much I've grown on her. That's how much she wants to stay by my side. And I hate that I could be so mean like this. I hate it. And now I don't know if I should just cut ties with the guy.. I don't even want to be with him though. It's more like I just want a guy best friend who I can be a fun time. It's hard to see us lasting in the future so I already know that it would be pointless, it's just I want to be flirty and have a good time with him. I'm a terrible person for that.. I cant have it both ways.. I mean I could, but I would just feel terrible for it.. I don't know, what should I do. I don't know... I never thought it would be like this. How fucked up life can get.. It's tragic..
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