Wild Horses Can Drag Me Away

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1. RE: Wild Horses Can Drag Me Away

   Posted on July 12, 2012 at 11:49 AM (UTC) ( 10 months ago )
   

   replies: 1
   

   

   wrote the following:

   You came back to me. You told me you never really left. You said you were sorry, that your actions did not make you any better than the men in my life that abuse me. You are right. Now you do not give anything away. How am I supposed to feel? I am happy because you are back yet part of me feels like you are not here. You confuse me. I miss fun you. I don't think you are happy. I give you all I can but my efforts are met with your silence. Don't walk away. I know you don't understand why by now, I am not living with you, why I am not carrying your child, married to you. You move up the gears so fast I feel stalled. I wish you could understand that the time is not right. For us to work I need to become independent. I need to stop being the whore. I need to be self-sufficient rather than sapping others strength just so I can get out of bed in the mornings. I have scars physically and emotionally that I need to heal. You are just not that strong, I see that. I wish you could see this. I know your going to leave me again soon. I think you know it to. I will try and offer you a way out, just please please don't hurt me again. I love you! You with your dominant personality your stubborness and your intense mood swings. Things were easier at the start when the only thing you wanted from me was my body, it was yours to take. Why did you have to stop wanting to hurt me? Your physical pain is nothing compared to this. Sometimes I wish we could go back to there. I am worth more to you on my knees, vulnerable. I am not sure you want me built up unless it is you that has created it. I am frightened of you. Falling by the wayside, Your Babygirl X

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   • RE: Wild Horses Can Drag Me Away

     Posted on July 19, 2012 at 02:04 PM (UTC) ( 10 months ago )
     

     replies: 1
     

     

     wrote the following:

     I am afraid of everything. Each time I contact you we have sex. Am I anything more than a free hooker for you? That is how I feel. I know you would never admit this. You continually ask me for 'more' but fail to recognise when I need you. I thought you made this wanton part of me somehow different, acceptable, loving. VANILLA! I can hear your voice change when you become aroused, do you hear mine change? I think you do, I think you ignore my reluctance, my sadness. My resistance. I am afraid to ask, I am afraid of the answer. I am afraid of you. I am damned if I do, damned if I don't. I think you with your impervious to bullets armour enjoys seeing a raw vulnerability such as mine. I never was this weak, you unearthed parts of me I had long buried, I am slipping now. You don't understand that once bitten twice shy. I couldn't bare to lose you again. To me your are worth the pain you give, unintentionally or intentionally. What I have come to learn is that you are no better than those who recognise the submissive in me and use me for their own pleasure. I am ashamed. I am evil. But I am YOURS. I accept this and I accept any way you use me, I can show you that I love you by you seeing how far I can fall. When you build me up I have further than I ever knew possible to fall. You told me that in time you don't see why we can't invite others in to our marital bed, (I know you want to marry/own me, I can do this for you if you ask but I will walk away from everything for it). I view others as an extension of your use, I know when anyone claims my belly, my mouth, my ass, it is YOU! Refusing them is refusing you, I love you, never would I do this. I know what pleasure you get from watching me scream, seeing my despair and shame as I am forced to pleasure by instruments that are not personally you. I never wanted to be more than 3 holes to you. Forlorn. Resigned. Astute. Kneeling in your gutter, eyes down. I love you and now I am going to run, in the woods where you took my mouth, the first time I did not want you to and could not voice this for fear, the first time you raped 'me' and it was OK. I wish I had the strength to leave you sometimes. I am so sorry for thinking that. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you in a way most people in this world will never experience. We are all strangers. Was this your plan from the start? Am I simply a fallen victim to those desires you dare not tell anyone? I hope I give you what you need? You are all I have. My shower moments have doubled in your wake. Subdued, Your Babygirl X

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     • RE: Wild Horses Can Drag Me Away

       Posted on July 20, 2012 at 11:07 PM (UTC) ( 10 months ago )
       

       replies: 1
       

       

       wrote the following:

       You are crying again. I have hurt you again. All so that I could hurt myself. Why do you ask me when you can not stand the answer?! You told me that you would be here for me when I'm abused. Why do I feel so much like it is you thaat needs comforting? Your ego is bruised. My flesh is spattered with bursting haematomas. You are never here when I need you. You always have to kick me when I'm down. I am sorry that I have upset you. Truly deeply sorry that you are scared for me. But, you don't understand. You don't understand that he wants me as much as you. That he has insurances I've seen him use on others. If your scared, don't you ever imagine how I AM TERRIFIED! I am afraid of everything. I'm stronger than you give me credit for. I am getting out of this situation. I hoped you'd be waiting for me but the more time that passes the more I see you are not that strong. I am relieved for the first time that you have 'shut down'. Part of me hopes never to hear from you again. Part of my dies at that thought. What have you done to me? I don't want to be your Babygirl I need to be me... with you. If you asked me to marry you I would say YES, I LOVE YOU MISTER! We belong together. We always have. We always will forever. Eternal flames. X

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       • RE: Wild Horses Can Drag Me Away

         Posted on July 22, 2012 at 05:00 PM (UTC) ( 10 months ago )
         

         replies: 1
         

         

         wrote the following:

         You have left me... again. Inevitability has a wry grin and mocks me. I am once more torn between running to you to let you know that learning to love myself will not happen overnight, BUT... what I am feeling for you is love. It is painful and persistant, what else can it be? I love you and I cannot bare to be away from you, not even for a second. I want to just wrap myself around you, to have your syrupy voice ringing in my head, your heady smell in my lungs. I want to show you everyday how much I love you, what I am willing to do for us and how I respect you. A rare, undiscovered for many love. Yet part of me is relieved you are ignoring me. I am happy that this time was a more amicable split (thank you for less name calling). How long before you will be back? Will you be back? Does me telling you I love you make things better? I don't think it does. I made you cry once more. Sorry. Yes it was abuse that has left my body scarred and bruised. I do not want to be used by scummy 'men' (your words) anymore. I love you my hero, my betroved, my confidant, my master. Love in the purest most truthful and exposed form. Yours, Babygirl X

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2. RE: Wild Horses Can Drag Me Away

   Posted on August 23, 2012 at 09:28 PM (UTC) ( 9 months ago )
   

   replies: 0
   

   

   wrote the following:

   You have come back to me again. Why can't we stay away from each other? I need you so much. You tell me that your life is sad and empty without me in it, and that you don't cope at all well with sad ane empty. I'm worried now, you never let me see past the impervious facade. Should I be worried? You tell me that I'm deep in your heart. You say things deliberately that I cannot begin to fathom. Why do you ignore my pleas so easily. I have no idea if what I say to you goes in... But does that matter? I love you and can accept you in any form. Can you me? I have done so much for you, I work full-time now. Honest worker, that's me. I am forced by some shit luck to be in a lonely office where the only thing on the wall is a map. I am forced to stare daily at your hometown in Surrey. The road I would take to be there, the distance between us. Is this some form of madness? What you don't know is that I have recently started misusing drugs again. Working this shit job isn't for me, I need to feel as though wrapped in a warm blanket to get throught the day of my 'colleagues' pretending I don't exist. Along with the multiple legality issues of that place. My mind drifts to that famous film scene where you walk in suited and carry me out whilst, love lifts us up where we belong is sang sweetly by pained voices. I also have developed bulimia; past few months I have not allowed food to stay in my body. Physically I am weak, my body feels like it is rotting, I keep getting cramp. I'm tired. I still cut myself, have done for 8 years now. All these things I am trying to work on for myself and ultimately you. I still desire men to abuse me, I still want to submit to sadistic people who can give me pain. How can I even begin to give myself to you in this mess? You make water build behind my eyes simply on messaging me. I am losing my ability to function. For weeks I have ensured I am available at any moment you are around in the hope you will pick me up again. I despise hurting you when I'm doing my best to do the opposite. I am so lost. What should I do? Who are you? What am I to you? Stay with me baby. Your Wild, Pathetic, Frustrating, Forlorn, Babygirl X

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3. RE: Wild Horses Can Drag Me Away

   Posted on August 24, 2012 at 09:04 PM (UTC) ( 9 months ago )
   

   replies: 0
   

   

   wrote the following:

   So now you're back! You are telling me you are proud of me. You are telling me you love me. You say your heart is bursting once more with me. I love you mister. Yet the cloud of impending doom is settling over me once more. I am going to lose you again I know you are impatient. Your, Elated yet terrified, Babygirl X

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4. RE: Wild Horses Can Drag Me Away

   Posted on September 15, 2012 at 06:38 PM (UTC) ( 8 months ago )
   

   replies: 0
   

   

   wrote the following:

   Its happening again. You've grown distant because you can't get what you want. What you want is me, you want to devour and own me. You need me to give myself to you without hesitation. Not much to ask is it? I'm the girl you take around town who appears composed, so I must be I suppose? I see you're hurting. I have only been honest with you. Its really the only tangible thing I can offer to you that seems to mean something to you. What you're offering me is an illusion. In reality you get raging hard ons about my past and present misery. You would not admit this. You drop me without thought and watch as I shatter around you. The age difference also can't be ignored. You're a child, yet I'm too young. All these things that scream in my head and tense my legs ready to run pale in to insignificance compared to the extent of love I hold for you. It simply doesn't matter when you punish me. Your soul has touched mine and I wish wish WISH I could allow you to absorb me. But I can't. WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH ME? I'm a broken doll you're the puppeteer. Love your babygirl (statement and sign off) X

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5. RE: Wild Horses Can Drag Me Away

   Posted on September 16, 2012 at 09:17 AM (UTC) ( 8 months ago )
   

   replies: 0
   

   

   wrote the following:

   You have gone again. Like a painful yoyo. Is this normal? I'm becoming tired. I love you. You love me. I could watch you for hours. I find it fascinating albeit farcical how your vehement happiness distorts in to this real tormented anguish. I think that affliction is something only young children can claim to suffer from. So, perhaps just an immaturity. Still I could watch you unravel for all eternity its quite emotional. I do so love to be reminded what it is to feel. Moods darken with us like summer storms, we both become overwhelmed frequently. But never do I feel (in your words) 'proper crazy mad fucking love, headstrong JUST MARRY ME shit'. When I'm overwhelmed its a kind of sickening dread, a sadness of un-fulfilment, a longing for nothing, an urge to not be anymore. With you its a dull pining that can last days, I NEED your prescence without it everything is at best bleak. This can come about from positive, negative and nothing. That is the best I can describe it, and that doesn't seem to cover it by half. When you get in to this overwhelming love stage, (like tonight) you always ask me for help. Physically begging for me to help you. Reeking of desperation and a deep sadness brought on by sheer volatility that fascinates me so intensely I could watch it for hours. I empathise with that level of feeling. I used to plead for help when that bad but rarely have the energy now to explore or overcome it. Perhaps I just don't care anymore. In fact there is only one thing I care deeply and passionately for in this life and that is you love. I don't know when you will be back this time, or even if you will. I don't know what to do for the best. Love your Babygirl X

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6. RE: Wild Horses Can Drag Me Away

   Posted on September 16, 2012 at 07:45 PM (UTC) ( 8 months ago )
   

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   wrote the following:

   Reasons to leave you... - Inappropriate sexual titillation of my past upheaval. Even by my shamefully low standards this is wrong. Hard-ons by my 'ab/use' and my bulimia. You told me that for now you would fetch water for my pills, use your fingers to help me vomit and if I needed to cut, I would cut YOU. I perceived this as amorous care for my well-being and a joint share in responsibility for getting me well. It felt like acceptance, in reality it has become twisted concupiscence. I have come to detest the phrase "you may be surprised by my reaction". Not surprised, try internally revolted or more so ashamed. - AGE! I can't discount this, I will rue the judgement of others alongside you. Like you said we will fly over them all. What terrifies me is ageing. I'm going to be desolate for a long time when you are gone (and your children). I can't live without you. Not sure I'm strong enough to dispatch that. Growing old together is not something we will be blessed with.   - Your lack of reverence for my womb. In your words "you can seek alternative contraception if you want". I think that is most likely enough said. I am inexperienced in vanilla relationships to understand what should be expected all the time. Though I imagine your partner should hold an equal concern for your womb as you demonstrate. - We met under the premise of you using me for sex. Now, you play stupid on this. I've seen how intense you ARE as a dominant male. I find 'playing dumb' a tedious and worrying trait in you. You've bought a big box of toys allegedly for me, shouldn't it be for 'us'. Did you need an explanation of each device? Is this to shame me? Is it simply for thrills? You hold the key to the rusted box. You wanted to spray it and I told you to keep it as it was. I don't hold MY box in as much regard it would seem. Perhaps its me that needs spraying. Use me love, you know we need it. Spoils for the spoilt. - Volatile mood swings. In other words you're painfully unpredictable. This in some ways is a plus as I enjoy excitement brought on by Mr Mercurial. However, it does not lend itself to a positive state as I find myself in a constant state of limbo. Tortured by never knowing your thoughts. This is where dread and self-fulfilling prophecy are born. You keep everything to yourself but seek to experience me inside and out. This kind of absorption has no comforting equilibrium. Double standards run rife with us, sometimes I love the simplicity, the anonymity. Most of the time however, I desire 'more'. Just as you expect 'more' always from me and often fail to recognise it. - Reputation. Appearance and attraction. Both ways. You know what I'm talking about. Perhaps this should be divided in to three separate points but really they are a variation of the same thing. The work we do love. What we stand for. How we regard each other. We are bad people in our own unique ways. Two wrongs don't make a right. - Illusion and reality are not the same with us. Are we a man and a girl playing at being lovers. Or are we lovers playing at being a man and a girl. I see with my eyes what is reality. The illusion is so hard to let go of. - The three worst character traits I cannot comprehend in anyone are... Fury. Envy. Impatience. You have shown me an unwillingness to wait frequently. I have seen and felt your anger. Jealousy on some level seems to be expected in vanilla relationships and I feel secure in the level you have demonstrated. I despise your sense of urgency as it strips away meaning and appreciation. Fury of any kind terrifies me to the bone. These two traits walk hand in hand with you. Reasons to stay with you... - You are the first man to feel genuine abhorrence towards my pain. You hate the thought of me hating life. You detest scummy men abusing me, in your words "I'm scared I won't be able to keep you from shitty sub/dom kill your fucking heart world. This thought troubles me. Will I be enough?" Oh love if only you knew how much you mean to me. You are more than enough, I tell you every day. I have bad moments when I long for a man to beat the shit out of me but with you in my life that thought feels wrong, I've seen you cry real tears. The image of your face leaking water in sadness, frustration and pain. Well I can't bare it, its often the last and first image I have in my head when falling asleep and waking up. You've replaced a corpse. Progress. - I love you; it took me a while to call it thus. I display the classic symptoms. Essentially love is an insatiable obsession. There is a feeling of want that is rarely met. Contented and contemptible. I would do anything for you. I accept you in any form. I long to experience your ash tongue break through my teeth and whirl around my mouth. Electricity I cannot hide floods to my breasts and sex from a single smoky exhale of yours landing on my skin. I know you by scent alone. This point is perhaps not backed by any reasonable logic, but ask any victim it remains the hardest to overcome. - You educate me. In so many areas from clean living, to enjoyment of emotion, laughter. To exploration of new areas of myself, particuarly what I am capable of. We tickle one another's grey matter. We enjoy culture together. You encourage my art work. You help me blossom and with you around boy do I smile, a grin most ridiculous. You are a fun, strong, incredible human to have around. Put simply I adore and savour your company. - Sex. You are keen, open and passionate. You taught me to make love again and I crave the sweet taste and smell of slow missionary. Also, you make me weak with your dominant streak, I have no control in this area rightly or wrongly. In the moment its all I want. - Dominance. You never allow me to fight. You silence me from over thinking. When you 'ssh' me or dismiss my concerns I laugh so hard. You probably have no clue how reassuring it is for me to have someone take the wheel away from me. I try not to question you, I take great pleasure in the ride when its going well. You childlike nature fills me with joy. I'm attracted to your purity. Even when throwing a tantrum I love you. - You have my best interest in your mind and you love me unquestionably back. Seeing through the rough at the small diamond within. You encourage me to make the right decisions as you are fed up with other people taking the polish off me. I have never been cared for in this manner and it increases my love for you to new dare I say paternal levels. Waking up in a spoon with you is something I long for every morning. - Acceptance. You've seen me at my worst and you still run towards me. I fight you and you hold me tighter. I've never felt more of a sense of belonging than when in your arms. You offer me what no-one else has ever thought I was worth. I look in to your eyes and I know I'm worth not just something but everything to you. You've seen me try and end my life. We talk about death and it doesn't scare us. The only thing we fear is each other. You wouldn't admit that but I've seen terror in your eyes love, countless times when you think you've lost me for good. SO, Why am I writing this? Well obviously writing down thoughts and feelings helps you to make sense of any situation. Pathetically, these remedial pro/con lists are a staple in any self-respecting cliché decision making. There exactly lies the point, I'm making a decision. Do I leave the man I love or do I stay. I have a sinking feeling that I started this looking for the reason/s to leave you. I am so so so sorry. I know this because I was surprised (disappointed?) by the amount of pros I had in our relationship. The trouble with these lists is they do not apply the correct weight to each point, perhaps some cons are unforgivable or not to be ignored. Some pro's are probably more of a con to a vanilla individual. I'm not going to do a pie chart love. I just have to make a decision. One I know I can't make. Pointless then? No! I have learnt exactly why I am stuck on you. Exactly why I burn for you. Exactly why you make me ill. If I sent this to you I'm sure the reply would be a one word dismissal. I would laugh and you would already be on the road to come and squeeze as much air from my lungs as you can without breaking my ribs. Then your sparkling moist eyes would reveal to me that you love me too much, your silent lips with a ghost of a smile would kiss me and I wouldn't be able to voice anything I just said. Then you would speak from Lover You Should've Come Over and I would go home and tear shreds of my flesh apart at knowing this will happen all over again. I have to do something love. Your, Forlorn, Resigned, Wild, Loved, Fatal, Babygirl X

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7. RE: Wild Horses Can Drag Me Away

   Posted on September 21, 2012 at 12:54 PM (UTC) ( 8 months ago )
   

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   wrote the following:

   How do you do it love? How can you feel me around you and not become compelled to contact me? I am going out of my mind insane. I am harbouring hatred and disgust for myself. Inwardly. I am punishing myself. I don't want to be anymore. I dreamt about you last night, you helped me eat and I rested on your chest whilst we led outside in the sun. I am sad, lonely and detached. I yearn for some kind of chemical. I need to numb this bittersweet pain. I keep telling myself to embrace the feeling as it is the only reminder of your presence I presently can hold. Help me. Help me please. What good are you when I no longer feel I can lean on you? I think it is me, I don't deserve you or happiness. What good am I when I can't be how 'normal'? How many hours did I spend telling you that I am normal. Why did I doubt you love? So, do I stop being me, to be how you want me. That's what I have and in fact still am desperately trying to achieve. You use me. You abuse me. Then I lose you. But you are all I want. I am weak. Last night I was going to faint, all I could do is breathe shallow and hard and concentrate on not throwing up. Irony. Cold sweat. Blood pressure dip and a pasty face. I'm killing my body. I genuinely am decomposing inside. I need to figure it out. Just like I told you when you told me that you heed sex. Oh love. I long to not need you. I crave life. I am already dead. Control Smile Love your babygirl X

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8. RE: Wild Horses Can Drag Me Away

   Posted on September 24, 2012 at 12:24 PM (UTC) ( 8 months ago )
   

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   wrote the following:

   I am still the same love. The same vulnerable girl you saw right back at the start. The same girl, the whore that begged you not to love her. The girl sat in the base of a shower crying but never cleansed. The same girl that needs you. Desperately and unquestionably. Now, you deny me. You're pride is insatiable. Did you think threatening me would achieve what you want? What do you see now when you think about me? I am in so much pain. I am coming to you. Please hold me when I arrive. The thought of you never speaking to me again no longer scares me. I just feel pain and longing as always I have. You feel it too. I love you. Love your babygirl. X

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9. RE: Wild Horses Can Drag Me Away

   Posted on September 30, 2012 at 03:57 PM (UTC) ( 8 months ago )
   

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   wrote the following:

   I called. You did not answer. I am so alone. Do you know how much I hurt without you. I have deleted your existance from my life. I can't see you around me. I would love to say that if you called I would not answer. I am not bulletproof. I would die to hear your voice. I love you. You've left me. How long this time? You said forever. You lie and you manipulate me and I am your toy. I want to be your toy. Please please please please please please please make me stop hurting. Love always, Your Babygirl X

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10. RE: Wild Horses Can Drag Me Away

    Posted on October 12, 2012 at 11:26 PM (UTC) ( 7 months ago )
    

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    wrote the following:

    I don't know the reason why I've made it this far. You have ruined me. I met a mini-version of you. I did not think it possible due to you being one of a kind. I did not think that men could come cut from a similar mould as you. I found him and he was a star, attached of course. I was plunged in to being the othe woman once more. I was alone. I am now more alone. It ended today. I had to be honest with him. If you arrived on my doorstep I would fall in to your arms in an instant. I fucking hate you for what you have done to me. Mr New Man was EVERYTHING I would jokingly say was my dream man. Yeah right, like I will find an attractive decent man with a boat. Well I fucking did!! Only two weeks after you began to ignore me and in a moment of extreme weakness I was looking to self-destruct. This man caught me before I fell. He built me up once more. This intelligent man of the same breed as you. He wanted to make me his property. He wanted to give me everything in exchange of unlimited use of my body. Yes, this would mean he was entitled to rape me. He is no vanilla yet, I did not fear him. He was not angry. He talked to me to resolve problems. But here I am... Alone. In his eyes I am worthless if I let other men through me. He see's me still as yours when I can't let go. So, thank you. Thank you for ruining me for every future relationship. I am yearning to be able to give myself to this new man. Become his property, escape the world of vanilla that leaves us frequently unimpressed and bored. Tedious is life without our sorts. We are rare and we know it. Each of us irreplaceable and unnatainable. My new man I mean nothing to you now. Do you know how crushing it is to be told everyday that 'you have captivated me', 'I want to be inside you so badly, I need it', 'take as long as you need', 'I am fiercely protective', 'you are my primary priority'. You fucking made me need you. We spent hours smoking under the wet cunt of the moon. Until the light burned in to our retinas and we knew that we belonged together. I want nothing more than to be your toy, your secret slut, yours and only yours. The only man who ever would penetrate me, no other man or object would impale me. I wanted to go to you knowing that as your property I would be cared for intensely, raped and satisfied in every way. You wanted to ruin me for every other man, you didn't realise how ruined I already am. I AM NOT READY TO LOSE YOU. I can't change my past. I am the only girl in the world that can give you what you need. You know this. I know I won't find another you. I can find men with the same desires. But, they are abusive bastards like the ex that prompted this frequent online bleed. Abusive childhoods connect us all. We are the beautiful ones. We are fucked up. We need each other. Yet, I cannot supply anyone with what they need. I am tired of pain. I want the pain to stop tonight. I welcome thoughts of death. The bulimia nervosa leaves my body in a constant state of ache, dissyness and pain. I can't stop cutting myself and this is getting deeper. I am so so SO tired of waiting for life to begin. I want to die. I want to die. I know this is not the first you have heard this. Remember that night you found me, you kept me awake. Why? For what purpose? My soul is a husk, I am an imposter amongst the everyday folk we loathe. I want you love. I yearn for you gorgeous man. I remember every face of every man that put me here. Yours, (realising that I do not belong to individuals but I am everyones toy) Babygirl / Gorgeous Girl X. X Oh god I'm so alone.

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11. RE: Wild Horses Can Drag Me Away

    Posted on October 29, 2012 at 08:45 PM (UTC) ( 7 months ago )
    

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    wrote the following:

    Back again love. How long has it been this time, I can't care to count. Happiness bubbles through my dark core, knowing you are still here still waiting for me. You asked me if I were ready... READY! For what? To be Mrs You, mother of your children. Meet one anothers family. Your moving and needed to know whether you should be looking at a flat for us both? You told me you stopped trying, that I'd missed my window, that I'm an arsehole. None of those things are true, well maybe the last. Pathetic me, planned to ignore you, be strong, move on. Instead I harped on about the interviews I've failed in. The effort I am enduring to move to you, its the independent part you fail to fathom. You want me wholly. I want you the same, but I also want to be secure. Your not speaking to me again. I crave to hear you. You told me you love me as much today as the first time, all you can do is wait and not interfere. You asked me whether I considered myself single? Though you did not explain your intention, I can see it. After the failure with the man of my second dreams in your wake, I know I'm far from 'single'. Still alone. Still confused. Still fucked up. Still loving you. I still want to die. Yours, Babygirl X

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12. RE: Wild Horses Can Drag Me Away

    Posted on November 07, 2012 at 06:21 PM (UTC) ( 7 months ago )
    

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    wrote the following:

    At this current juncture I am becoming resigned to the failure I both receive and give in abundance. I didn't get the job. I haven't got any job. Despite all those impressed with my achievements and surprised by my struggle. Thank god I'm pretty? I'm at a low ebb this evening. I find the simplest of movements difficult to carry out. Those closest to me do not give a flying fuck. Yes, I know we discussed this. Remember how excited you were the first time you heard the 'future mother-in-law'. Sigh. I love you Gary. I love you as much as ever. I wish I could break the connection I feel, in the view that I do not experience anything close to an equilibrium with us. I'm tired. I'm alonely. I want to kill myself again quite frankly. I'm going about it slowly (I know, what don't I do slowly!), today I've not eaten again. My insides are aching with the abuse of pills. I want to eat. I want to fill myself with the juiced of life and feel saited. I can't. Nothing is the same in this limbo I'm stuck in. I want to fly away. I want to change things how I envisaged. Control. CONTROL. That is all I want. To work, legit. To live alone. To be strong. Healthy enough to be yours and carry our baby. Safe. I want all those things that, someone like me can never have. So, what's the point. If I disappeared tonight. I wonder if you would even notice. I think taking me out of peoples equations is the kindest thing I could ever do. I am bad. I am sad and I am mad. This feeling of loss and emptiness is swelling. I stare at your name hovering over the call button, I need you love. I need you to help. Someone like the moon needs to help me through the day. Yours, Babygirl. X

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13. RE: Wild Horses Can Drag Me Away

    Posted on November 17, 2012 at 10:49 PM (UTC) ( 6 months ago )
    

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    wrote the following:

    I am angry. I am always angry these days. An emotion I do not generally hold. With friends, family and my self. I have no fuse, no tolerance. I cannot stand this! But, try I might I am unable to stop the poison seeping out and crushing others. I am bored my best friend and her tepid interaction, the constant monitoring of my mood and feelings. The way she imitates my every move, her awkwardness, her constant staring at me. I simply am unable to be the person I was before. At my voluntary job I can feel this dark cloud sitting over my. Consuming me. I am unable to hide it. I miss you. I miss you and I hurt. If you could just speak to me for a minute or two. To hear you might be enough to stave away this hell. I am desperate for an ending. I need something to end this hell. Perhaps I should go to the doctors try it their way. I am so tired of failure. I am tired of failing everyone. People are tired of me and if they are not they fucking should be. What should I do? How do I end this madness. I MISS YOU. I MISS ME MORE! Help me. Help me please. I'm on my knees begging for your help. Take this away from me. Your, Babygirl Forever X

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14. RE: Wild Horses Can Drag Me Away

    Posted on November 23, 2012 at 02:50 AM (UTC) ( 6 months ago )
    

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    wrote the following:

    Guess what! As of today time has shifted. We now are closer to meeting than further apart. I am not making sense am I love? We are on a countdown is what I'm woefully trying to explain. 204 days until we find out our destiny. I cannot believe it has been that long already. I still cannot bare to see you around me. I still hate you for ruining me. I still love you and yearn for you. I remain the same about everything apart from one key point. You are not my light at the end of the tunnel any longer. I have hope in other things and humans. You abuse me and I see you as a high risk. I will of course be where I said waiting for you on that date. I've agonised over the same decisions I have always and reached this conclusion... You must call it! I move in with you and go down the marriage and baby path, or not and this thing we have stays as it is or dies. Heads or tails? The truth is I have grown weary of tending our relationship alone. In fact cultivating you is draining me of life. I have never felt so alone, so desperate or so lost without you. Life seems somehow lighter with you wrapped around me. But, it is time for me to lighten up to the best of my ability. I can hear you already concerned over my tone and demeanour. All this depression is simply self-indulgence. Happiness should come from a like for myself. It is a choice to feel blue or golden. I want to be golden again. This darkness is choking me, it is killing me in fact. I am an anorexic/bullimic smoking cutting machine. I never used to be to this degree. I am sad, that won't change overnight. But, if I continue living only vicariously in the future I will continue in this disgusting self-indulgent stupor. Çarpe Diem! I can hear you squealing this at me already. I love you mister. But, I could love someone else just as much. Someone who demonstrates less characteristics of a high risk offender. Loving you. Not loving me... Yet. Your, Babygirl (ripe for the taking, here when you want me. Pick up your phone and call me, I'm willing you to contact me. I need to hear you badly). X Forever remember.

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15. RE: Wild Horses Can Drag Me Away

    Posted on December 01, 2012 at 06:10 PM (UTC) ( 6 months ago )
    

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    wrote the following:

    Well aren't I the bad tempered anorexic bug. I cannot switch out of this misery. Sigh. If I knew better I would say that it is the misery I crave. In any case. Job interview in a fortnight. A workplace located in your county, 10 minutes away from your future abode. What's wrong with me? I don't want to want you. I don't want to need you. I want your essence out of me for good. I want the other man. The man capable of fulfilling me without frightening me. I am no good. But who is? I probably just need a good fuck followed by an ice cream sundae. Neither of those things I will allow myself until I've come good. I cannot believe my feet are moving independently to my brain. This is going to get interesting. Yours (pitifully) Babygirl X

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16. RE: Wild Horses Can Drag Me Away

    Posted on December 11, 2012 at 03:06 AM (UTC) ( 5 months ago )
    

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    wrote the following:

    OK. Genuine sexual problem. I have lost my libido. With you and without you my arousal nose dived. We could blame ensuing depression that I appear to inflame. We could blame the vanilla lifestyle. Basically, I'm dried up. Now, I have the submissive remorse. I gave myself to a nasty man once again. Post-session, after orgasm, I am full of that sickening remorse that would leave me sobbing on the drive home and crying in the base of the shower. So, this leads me to conclude that the type of sex that allows me to feel truly aroused to the max, sustained excitement and physically juicy for want of a better term. This makes me feel ALIVE sexually, yet it leaves me reeling. I'm on that slippery slope once more that leaves me dead on the inside. I hate myself immensely right now. When I have finished crying and this 'sub drop' passes I will be once again faced with the choice... Feed on the juice of life until quenched and die on the inside as a result. Or, feel loved but miss out on that alive feeling. What is my worth worth? Come back to me. Why won't you save me from this hell!? I love you, as strongly as I always have. I just want to get you out of me. I'm running out of options. Drugs don't work. Control slips. Pain is all I have. PAIN IS ALL I HAVE You have left me high and dry. You are not the only one hoping I make the move to your county. There are men there who desire to use me. Men who will destroy me once more. Some who do not care whether I am willing. Men that will ensure I forget how to make love. I am on the verge of self destruct as my other methods of mutilation do not fill your void any longer. Do you remember when you said you would love me forever? When you said you could help me help myself? You told me you would be there for me. I keep losing myself. Gaining perspective, but lost all the same. I've given all I can and its not enough. Love your, Babyslut X

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17. RE: Wild Horses Can Drag Me Away

    Posted on December 14, 2012 at 02:27 PM (UTC) ( 5 months ago )
    

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    wrote the following:

    Today I have visions of driving down to those fields by you. Away from everyone I know. Hide my body in a place I won't be found for a long time. Swallow the entire amount of opiates I stole. Then fall asleep distracted by the relieving physical pain of dying. I won't, though. Once again rejected and hopes and dreams shattered. In this heightened pain now is not the time for fatalistic decisions. I do not have the experience for a job anyone degree or not, can apply for. Its heart breaking. There is not a job on a lower band to get. Hence, achieving experience relatively impossible. Not to mention being 22. This experience or lack of should not be allowed to be used by employers. If they believe you to not be experienced then you should not be invited to interview. Once again someone on the outside cannot compete against internal candidates I would rather the truth was spoken than the above ridiculous excuse. It is humiliating. Telling friends and family that once again you have failed. For a job anyone can do. Suffering, the jollying and the agression when all you can do is hold in the tears. People don't care. Least of all the ones who are supposed to. So, what to do. All I can do. One week of applying to any and every job as per usual. Where I want to be. No, more settling. No more fear. I want to die, now. It is going to be a struggle to say the least to find the will to make it. I am also not going to eat for a week. This shit ugly body does not deserve nutrition. The only thing it feels is pain and suffering. I will see my friends, placate my family. All the while knowing, If it is this bad after January 26th I am going to that field and doing as I planned. Death is my only drive. I don't have anything else. I am sorry. I am so sorry. Babygirl, X

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18. RE: Wild Horses Can Drag Me Away

    Posted on January 11, 2013 at 01:22 AM (UTC) ( 4 months ago )
    

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    wrote the following:

    Where do I begin? To tell the story of how sweet a love can be? The sweet love story that is older than the sea. The simple truth about the love he brings to me. Where do I start? Gary you've gone, over Christmas you suggested I look up 'love' in the dictionary. I did. I know I supply that definition to you. I really want to talk to you. I really really wanted to. For a while it was touching, maybe even challenging. Before it became habitual, now it really isn't interesting. To see a grown man cry. Once again I have switched from your Babygirl to his Gorgeous Girl. Oh Andy. The things you do to me. Today, you gave what we have a title... You are my potential future. 6 months and you can have it all. In the meantime and I suspect sometime still after. You live in a baron house with your (the) girlfriend. 'Enduring' your time with her to build her up. This makes me wince. No stranger to the attached male I will do my utmost to ensure she never sees me at the back of your eyes. Apparently, you already have been told your 'different' when not working. This makes me a little nervous. From my end I am questioned on why I'm so happy (as if it were a crime!). You've used nicotine withdrawl as the excuse for this distraction (me). Never underestimate a female mind. I do not want your affair to be discovered but, at the same time I find my self going to bed alone at nights. I find I'm waiting like a lonesome queen. I am perfect where my rival fails. Simply, because she does not burn for your cock the way I do. Any wonder when the only thing you allow inserted is your dick. Nothing bigger than my own middle finger. Your sexual drives, smell, wetness, aesthetic. You enjoy the refined. I can be that for you under our killing moon. You talk of the mess you will make of me and the appearance I will have in your company as a raped whore. Fucking me during my bleed so, you can better pretend that I'm bleeding due to your fucking. Or that I am a virgin. I find you deeply arousing and interesting. Hell bent you are on changing the memories I hold of previous slut items/locations. You want me happy and healthy. At the same time you want me addicted. I explores the levels of your control to find you allow me a longer leash than most. Only, distinct resentment I can detect at the idea I'd want to go and do anything without you. Also, a focus on how my downfall can work to your advantage. Are you worth giving my final chapter of youth to? My chance at children? Are you worth that? You make me feel worth everything. When I look at my scars I no longer see them as a reminder of my worthlessness. Now, you empower me. Today, I was told the way you talk is how fantasists talk. Can it still be fantasy when I lay my self before you as reality? All I know is I want you. When you speak to me you throw so many switches. Though, still I vomit and take drugs and think about how easier life would be if dead. I feel unhappy I need you to roughly fuck it out of me. Fuck me Andy. You promised. Yours, Gorgeous Girl. Listen to her take on the world. Eating up the scum is the hardest thing I can do... For you. X

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19. RE: Wild Horses Can Drag Me Away

    Posted on January 25, 2013 at 06:13 PM (UTC) ( 4 months ago )
    

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    wrote the following:

    Is this yo-yo inevitability all my life will amount to. Its tiring. My best friend/ex-girlfriend has got her life sorted. This is good. If I killed my self she has a life outside of me to work on. So, now the sad part. That is 'sad' with the definition of pathetic, pitiful. Andy is ignoring me. After, everything he said. Everything I agreed to and complied to. I feel so fallish and 2 inches high. I don't know if something went bad regarding the affair. Or, the more obvious answer being my refusal to keep him in images of me. Because, I wouldn't lay myself before him naked and dressed like the doll he wants. I thought he was different. But, he is just a man. Not the man I thought he was. Gary, you engage me with moments of affection then ignore me. It is your birthday tomorrow. I am praying for a call. I just want to hear you, sing you happy birthday. We belong together, I still feel it is you whose arms I must fall in to first. Ordinarily, I would be in the shame spiral of the month. I am bordering on to this yet, under the radar slips Will. Previously, dismissed due to his ordinary-ness. Here he is making me involuntarily grin. Being sweet in a way that was sub-standard in my submissive nature. He is a man. The kind of man that thinks about feelings! Though, unintelligent in awareness. He cares, he fucking cares about them. So, from Babygirl to Gorgeous Girl I have become his Girl. I am running on empty literally. Next week I plan to eat very little as I am in a position where should I pass out. No-one will walk in on it. I don't expect the world to be all raggedy Andy. Everyones and no-ones. Forlorn, Girl X

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20. RE: Wild Horses Can Drag Me Away

    Posted on February 11, 2013 at 04:40 PM (UTC) ( 3 months ago )
    

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    wrote the following:

    I'm so much older than I can take. Gary you didn't call me. Andy you are ignoring me. Stupid stupi stupid stupid girl. Will you are like nothing I've ever experienced no anger. Younger than before. I smile with you, you still feed my needs. But, I don't know if I can be your girlfriend and your girl. You know so little of any part of me and I feel you couldn't take it. More perhaps I wouldn't want to you. It's bittersweet. I'm watching the clock circle all the way around again. I fainted for the first time ever last week. A real unconscious, waking up on the floor sore thing. I've been falling a lot recently. As a result this week I've eaten more. Now, I hate myself more than ever. At work I'm told... 'You look different?' 'Keep doing what you're doing'. Is this just down to my thinning face or could it be the prescence of a man who see's aspects in my life which aren't pitiful. Who encourages me to bother him. Who wants my attention as much sexually as not. Its unsteady ground for me the first time he used 'my' infront of my label. My girl, my slut, I smiled and felt uncomfortable. He doesn't know what he is getting in to!!! It will finish soon. Mark my words. I want to die. I've never been so alone. I'm so, angry and sad and lacking. I am going to write... Suicide notes, plan my death. Store it all for ease. I'm also going to write a list of the people in my life who will be effected by my suicide. I'm hopeful this act may be a motivator as well as disincentive. Chaos does indeed reign. June is getting closer and I'm not ready. Yours, Lola

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