You told me you loved me. I am 22 you are 43. I know, it would not be easy. I let dominant twisted men abuse me as physical pain beats the emotional mountain I've been climbing since as early as I can remember. I was happy in my loveless, sexually strong life that I controlled. I am fucked up, you knew this. You wanted to control and own my body at the start. I wanted to submit to you. You were the first man I have encountered in my entire life to feel abhorrence towards hurting me. You built me up, promised me the world. Told me you love me. Made me love you despite my persistence that I could not love anything. You offered me the other side of the street and I was scrabbling to reach it. You said my childhood was in others hands not mine. You said my past has served its purpose. You told me that you would never hurt me, you told me that you would always be there. You said if you want to call, call. You said we had an eternal flame. You told me I was worth something. Described our future full of blossoming love you were going to help me to learn. You held me tighter when I slipped. I knew I could give your decent heart a home because I know what bad homes are. No matter what I said or did you would tell me you were running towards me. Then one morning I woke up to you calling me a cheap dirty whore, a cunt, a child, a coward. You told me to continue in the shitty pit that is my life. I called, you didn't answer. My past was too much for you, perhaps you are not as strong as you told me. How much of that could you have said to my face? You left me whilst you went for a walk on the hills with clouds and sunshine. Days later you sent me a message to say "sorry, I was out of order". I replied with, it's fine. Obviously it isn't. I heard nothing back. I am the one out of working order. Don't you see? I believe you love me and you do care. I didn't match you, I didn't want to fight you. How could I when I agree with everything you named me. I just wanted you to stop; run out of arrows. You have demoralised me and I still long for you. With you I felt brighter. I could get out of bed in the mornings reading your messages you had left. I smiled freely, unashamed. I felt strong knowing you were backing me. Without you I am worthless in my shit pit that I enjoy. I cry now more than before, I vomit because I cry too hard. What did you do to me? Why build me up to drop me? Did you use me? Did I break your heart? I thought I was doing well? I did not know how close I was to losing you. Nothing has ever hurt like you. I love you. I always will. Are you happy now? I am sorry. Your, Babygirl. X
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