fix you

when you lose something you cant replace, stuck in reverse i truly believe if i try hard enough, i could put a song on every memorable moment of my life. current moment, current song, fix you. that feeling of hopelessness, that i hit rock bottom notion, that last straw that tells you its time to stop being so strong. right now, my relentless mask of strength has been pulled back. how hard it is to truly feel emotions you've pushed away for so long. how unfair it is to lose your mother unexpectly at 18, during your freshmen year of college, when you dont live at home, and you have no siblings. for a moment i will be selfish. for a moment i will admit what my head screams at others. for a moment i will tell all of you out there who have no lost someone close to you to learn what i did not learn. to learn what i had to learn the hard way. to learn something so unthinkably simple that we often don't do it. learn to appreciate. appreciate everything that you have, every single person you love and every single second you spend with them. i quite literally woke up one day and my mother was gone. she will never be back. 18. no siblings. 18 and left with a father i butted heads with my entire life. its funny yet sad that i didnt appreciate my mother or my father until the day my mother died. appreciate every moment you get with you parents. do not be me. do not be the bitch of a teenager that wanted nothing to do with my parents. how badly that must have hurt them, their only child being such a spoiled little bitch. acting as if they were nothing in my life. i look back and want to do what my mother should have done and slap my 14 year old self across the face. lights will guide you home, and i will try to fix you. some things cannot be fixed, just mended. the sorrow of a damaged heart will never truly heal. the loss of a parent at a young age, or any age, will never feel okay. these moments of weakness, are really not weakness. they are all of the emotions that strength holds back pouring out in the most vicious ways. strength is an amazing quality that i can only feel eternally greatful to my mother for giving me, but sometimes it can hurt as well. strength can prevent you from feeling. it can build up a ship that will seamlessly sail through the roughest of waters, the harshest of storms. it can hold you together when you most need it, but it can only withstand so much. strength does not go away, but sometimes months of emotions are stronger. i remind myself with lyrics that my strength will always carry me through. hold you own, know your name, and go your own way, and everything, everything will be fine. there is always hope, and there are always moments of weakeness. dont let your weaknesses define you, and do not let your strength mask you.