abuse

i'm a grown woman... my parents are not and were not junkies... I didn't grow up poor... I have in that way little to complain about but I cant cope any more... THEY WERE SHIT PARENTS they were selfish and put me in situations of danger and vulnerability as a child. I was always shipped off to some aunt or relative or family friend so they could live their lives. I was abused by several people in my child hood... from the age of around 5... sexual abuse, physical abuse and emotional torment.... All by people who's care i was left in... Why did they leave me...? Why did they not notice the changes in my behavior as I was being abused by different members of the family/different people. Why was I put at risk, neglected and abandoned? Why didn't they care? Why did my father call me a liar when at 11 years old i'd told him what a man had been doing to me between the ages of 5 to 8. I was left around addicts to drink and drugs. All this over exposure was damaging... As a teenager i started t use drugs and became promiscuous. I to this present date cannot have healthy relationships with men. I was raped as a teenager. I was attacked and robbed and put in hospital. I had 3 abortions between the age of 17 and 24. I have been bullied by family, strangers. I got married to escape all the unhealthy shit around me and settle down and my husband was killed in a car crash within a year of marriage... my parents extort me for money now as an adult, treat me unequally to my brother and sister (younger) like im the fucked up one who is beyond repair so lets focus on the other 2. i havent used drugs now since 2004 and no relapse either. i'm financially comfortable but i still feel trapped in this abuse... my parents dont and wont ever understand the prison i live in in my head. i tried to end my life 3 times in one month. my late teenage years i was hospitalised for anorexia, for being suicidal... everybody thinks im just spoilt and acting out and i come from such an amazing family etc.... my fiance left me last year when i was heavily pregnant in all i think that being a mother myself now has brought all these issues and new resentments to the surface and im finding coping very very very tough.... im grieving, im hurt and im damaged... therapy is not an option anymore as i need to keep it together for my childs sake and not indulge too much in self and open a can of worms i cant close but i need to feel free of this burden i carry.... i need to feel something ive never felt before... i have a nice house a nice car i have expensive clothes bags shoes jewellery, my child wants for nothing but it all means nothing i would trade everything for peace of mind sanity and longer than a fleeting moment of happiness