this is more of a cry then a confession

my boyfriend says he'll kill himself if i leave him. I have talked to him about it and i know he would do it. We have been together for a little over a year and happily at that. The only problem was me. First was that i was talking to a guy. i know he likes me and i sort of liked him so i kept him as friend, and one day my boyfriend got tired of it. i know i shouldnt have spent so much time talking to him but i liked and still do like him. i still talk to him but my boyfriend doesnt know.. The next problem is that I smoked marijuana and he didn't. he hated it and i know he did, we had talked about it many times and eventually i promised him i would stop. i didnt smoke for over 3 months.. We'll eventually i got tired of the same things..i didnt have many friends and any guy friends my boyfriend didnt like. i wanted to live my dream, a life i could be prod of and not a relationship. i told my boyfriend about my feelings and he started threatining suicide. Both of us have emotional problems but we both agreed we got over those thoughts. apparently not. i became frustratied and sad, i cried to him and pleaded him to stop.. Eventually i got him called down enough to talk. i apoligized and told him we would clear the slate and forget about this.. So now here we are. He's happily my boyfriend but im dead inside. i have no freedom and my love for him has faded. i lie to him now. i became a horribal person inside and now i cannot be happy even though i tell him i am.