I can't help but to keep thinking back to my one on one interview for the nursing program I'm now halfway through. One of the best in the state, I was a ball of nerves and ecstatic to be considered at the same time. When the Dean asked me, "So what brings you to New York?" I sat silently for a moment, gathered my thoughts, started to try to think up something to do with my career, and instead decided to go with honesty..."To be completely honest, I came here because I fell in love. I believed in it enough to know that everything else would fall into place." Lucky for me, it won her over. That was a year ago. And back then, it couldn't have been more true. It still is, I suppose, I wouldn't be here had I not fallen in love with who I thought at the time was the love of my life. Lately I have no idea what I'm doing here. I'm this small town girl living in a big city, and trust me-I've been soaking up the big city for the last 2 1/2 years, and loving it. As I tell everyone in my life, "There's no where else in the world I can imagine spending my 20s" And I as I get older, I wonder if I could be happy here forever. I think if I were single, and had the intention of staying that way for the forseeable future, this is EXACTLY where I would want to be. I'm not sure when all of my dreams started to change exactly. I don't know when I started wondering if I'd ever even want kids of my own (My whole life I've wanted exactly 3, 2 boys and a girl...and in that order) Now I think about that so called dream and want to drink. I just think of them screaming in restaurants, stripping me of my independence, getting in the way of an evergrowing career....forget about spontaneous trips where I spend a week laying on a beach...forget about what I look at now as the perfect life. And then there's love. 6 months ago all I wanted was that nice little rock on my finger. I looked at him and saw forever. As much as kids had started to be something I was unsure of, I knew I would be endlessly happy raising mini versions of him. I wanted happily ever after. And here I am lately, scared to death of what all that means. He works crazy hours. And selfishly, I don't want that for my life. I want the man that I fell in love with. Who sat with me on the beach. Who threw me up against the wall with my legs wrapped around him because we just NEEDED each other that badly. Lately I feel like we can't even talk. And when we do, its usually about something unpleasant. How I can't stand his selfish father..(that story is a whole other blog) How his family makes me feel more insecure than I ever have in my life because they've made it perfectly clear that I'll never be good enough for him. How I don't want to spend the rest of my life spending my Friday and Saturday nights alone....especially when I made sure I wasn't spending those nights at the hospital just so I could be with him. How lately, I'd rather cuddle with my perfect little French Bulldog than him. And nights like tonight, and the last two nights, I spend at home, drinking alone, abusing my migraine medication to numb the pain, and trying to convince myself that "This too shall pass" Part of me believes its just our lives. He works 60+ hours. I'm a full time student and I work. It feels like we never have time for each other anymore. Maybe that's why I'm so pissed. I made sure to make time the last few days.....and he's been working from 6 am-midnight. Doesn't exactly leave me feeling romantic by the time he gets home...that is if I haven't passed out from the booze by that point. I never in a million years thought when I answered that question so honestly that I'd end up here....lonely in love.
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