I am gonna kill myself about two weeks! SH

I read some other posts about this subject, but mostly people complain about "life sucks, or no one loves me." For me, I guess it is opposite! I suck at living. I been wanting to die since I was 6-7 years old because I grew up in a crazy family that always were fighting. However, I was independent and actually supporting my family since I was 13. maybe because I put family happiness ahead of me, I forgot about myself. I don't know how to love and don't understand "common sense" that everyone talking about. everything is a mystery to me. whole my life the only thing I understood was responsibility. And yes I am not kid anymore and I am actually 31. I left my house and enough constant income for my parents that they not only can live on it, but also can totally help another family too, in which they are. my problem is, I don't understand this world. I have fallen in love once (when I was 16-17), but because I didn't think I could make her happy, I let her go. I never forgive myself for that and never fallen in love again. I pushed away few girls that fallen for me very hard. in simple words, I don't have any life in me. there is not one thing in this world that moves me or inspire me. it is too painful to walk on a street and see people happy. I never talk with people, therefore don't know how to express myself. I am all over place in this post, but is best I can do. For people who wants to come and say "don't do it" or "get help," I would say thanks before you say that. I understand that you want to help, but please understand that only person can help us is yourself. so please don't do it because no matter what you say, my decision is final. I carried that thoughts with me whole my life and it is been a few years since I succeeded to have regular income for my family(in which I don't love, but feel responsible). Now I am a free man, but there is nothing in me to move on really. I might not be a dead person yet, but it feels like it. Well, I am very boring person for obvious reasons and lost touch of everything. I am not sure why I am writing this but it is 4Am and I can't sleep. another thing, for people who would say "how about people love you!" well, I really appreciate that if someone still think and loves me, but I don't want to suffer anymore because I make someone else happy. And I don't understand people who kill themselves, why they leave a mess behind? I will kill myself, but no one will know what happen to me, I will just disappear and vanish from earth. I don't want anyone to come to my grave. I don't want anyone to be sad for me. i just want world to forget me! I just wanna to go. I don't blame anyone for anything in my life except me. I just always sucked at life. I tried hard to be responsible, but forgot how to be a human. anyways, I am not looking forward to any responses, but since I am not saying "goodbye" to anyone, I thought I might say goodbye to this world as whole to having me and say sorry I wasted your energy and air. peace all