Here am again, ignoring the advice of people once again. Sitting here wondering, why bother ranting about this same problem? By now everybody is probably sick of reading it anyway. They are all just sitting there saying "Seriously, just leave this dude! What is your problem?!" I almost did too. So many freaking times but every time even when he's ripping apart my personality like he's butchering an animal refusing to acknowledge his own flaws. I don't know how many times I've had to say "Yes, I know I do that." "Yes, I've done that." Most of the the stuff he gives me shit for I don't do anymore and I seriously wonder if he was out of the picture, would those even happen anymore? There is a golden opportunity to get out and why don't I take it? Why don't I have the strength just say what needs to be said. "I love you very much but we are toxic for each other. The only reason you get so hostile so easily is because we are not happy. When we fight there is nothing but venom and that is a sure sign that our time is done." It would be so easy to say and then just close my eyes and not look at him don't let him reach for my hand. None of that crap. Because thats what always gets me. Some one told me that I should wait till he is at work just pack up my shit and leave. Leave him a note and call it good. He doesn't have a job, he goes to school maybe two days a week. But every time he gets pissy I think I just need to walk out this door. If I am thinking this every time we argue then why the hell do I stick around? That in itself should be a sure fire sign that I need to get out. He said he would give it his all. I told him how I have one foot out the door and then just like every other time I try to leave and he promises to give it his all, after a few days he's back to the same old shit. Blowing up on me if I make a suggestion. But when I tell him thats it I'm done, he loves me. Part of why I don't leave is because I don't know where the hell I'd go. My mother lives in another state. I just transferred schools here. The thing is, my mom wants to leave so badly. She hates where she lives and I think maybe she would come here. Every time I post on here, I feel bad, like I'm making my boyfriend look like some horrible evil dude. He's not a bad person at all. I just don't think we love each other anymore. It's quite possible there is even hate there. We just are not compatible. My therapist says I shouldn't ask my mom for advice or anyone. I just need to look inside and decide what I really want. I don't know what I want anymore. All I see when I look inside is emptiness.
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