My Experience with a Volatile, Bipolar Person

Posted on June 17, 2012 at 12:15 AM (UTC) ( 11 months ago);
section: confession / relationships
views: 266
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Af1763183864f0a0e6b7574de5adebe2

wrote the following:

I fell for someone with bipolar disorder. I knew they had it from the start and yet i pursued as I always do. I couldn't and can't stand the thought of being alone and the truth of the matter is that I'm far more scared of being alone than I am of this vacuous, callous, manipulative, embarrassing, insecure, twisted, desperate shell of a person. I feel so utterly drained and as if I've been wrenched out of my childhood by them. I was blissfully ignorant of how cruel the human race can be. I fell for their glib charm and sob story. I fell for the emotional rollercoaster I would undoubtedly go through. I liked the challenge. They didn't believe in monogamy or family or that anyone could care for them and so they did not take care of me. I was so naive and malleable. I took the drugs, lied to my friends and my family, stopped eating, stopped sleeping. Became someone I very swiftly hated - all this is during a period of 6 weeks! I hadn't been exposed to someone who had suffered such a bad home life, a chemical imbalance and a lack of self worth to such a degree before. I think that because I knew they had the illness then that meant I'd be able to tell when they had turned manic and so leave them. That's what they suggested I do anyway... I ended things by simply cutting contact as much as I could. The final straw was something which tore at my heart but that I know had I been weaker, and not surrounded by the friends and family I do have, then I would have forgiven all and returned. Which is why maintaining the lack of contact is so difficult as I still want answers and for them to know how they've hurt me. The concoction of self-medication they were giving themselves meant that it's very hard to consider they have any real emotion of their own. A mixture of MDMA, antidepressants and Valium can only be a bad thing. Messing with my own serotonin levels mildly has left me depressed and confused and I am, to all intensive purposes, a sane and able human being to begin with. They certainly are not. In the beginning I was trying to be Louis Theroux and observe at an emotional distance. But I am an intensely emotional person with a very addictive personality. I do not, as a rule, entertain addictions of the narcotic variety and so become addicted to people. A single person at a time. This can be enthralling, giving me purpose and direction and, until recently, had been how I went about my life, lolling from one heavy relationship to the other. Measuring my self-worth by what I could offer the other person or what "we" offered as a couple. This one was different. There was nothing I could offer them which would help. They fed off of my reactions to their fake tales and cloying tragedy of a life. This was not healthy for either of us as I fell more and more into something approaching love mingled with awe and anxiety over where we could possibly go. Meanwhile I'm sure they felt some victory in my attachment and yet gross amounts of fear at that fact. They are not capable of 'normal' love and measure themselves by the worth I bestowed upon them. Any big-headedness they felt would have been fairly worthless, particularly when they realised just how easy I was to manipulate. Because I knew they were manic when I met them and then on a huge comedown from this manic period when I met them a second time, I knew to tread with care. I didn't question what were obvious lies, I allowed them to wash over me - or so I thought. But gradually this person turned me against my friends, altered my lifestyle dramatically and made me very dependent upon them. I also felt incredibly responsible for them. What I can only describe as a maternal instinct to help. Since leaving them I have been tempted to order take aways to their door so as to ensure they eat! I know this is silly, them being far older than me and having survived so many years alone. But their situation is, essentially, fucked. They are currently squatting and have no job, no money, no family, no commitments, no education, very large, multiple debts and a court case on the cards. And yet their problems seemed to have become my own. I had and still have such a need to help them out of this situation which, in my eyes, could be so easily resolved. I am terrified of them turning up at my door. I want to email them and tell them to never come to my house. I'm sure that they'd assure me wholeheartedly that they'd never do something so irrational - and would genuinely mean it. But the issue with bipolar disorder is that it makes them do things a rational person would never. I have to remind myself they are not in fact psychopathic as I have had nightmares of the most disturbing variety. One in particular of how they would break into my house (as they now have in depth knowledge of the entry points), rape and chop up my family members leaving their remains in bags outside of my room. I believe they like to act detached, vacant, unaffected, promiscuous and impulsive (like a psychopath) to hide the real emotion they do feel - it's a defense mechanism and a way of dealing with the terrible troubles of their lives which have made them desensitised to others pain. I know there are people like this dotted all over the city. I know I will eventually move on and be happy again. But I am struggling to see when these unexpected outbursts of tears and this constant sense of dread will leave me.

 

7 responses to My Experience with a Volatile, Bipolar Person

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  1. RE: My Experience with a Volatile, Bipolar Person

    Posted on June 17, 2012 at 02:41 PM (UTC) ( 11 months ago )
    replies: 1
    D2d9115816c6acde79d4f228ffdab40e

    wrote the following:

    I do not as a habit respond to blogs here, but I'll make an exception in this instance. Mainly because the scenario you've revealed is horrifying, at least to me, it is. You seem to have a rational perspective on the whole matter, yet puzzlingly, now start tentative steps into worrying delusions. You have rationalised the whole encounter logically and most of your analysis can be held sound and in perspective as well as yourself intropections. Given this platform, one assumes you would be prepared for this daunting encounter, ready for the inevitable schimishes on all psychological fronts, aware of exit strategies and duly prepared for all fall-outs. If all you've written is true, and I have no reason to doubt it is, your lurid tale sends shivers down spines - because it shows - one can never be fully prepared in these sorts of personal interactions, and secondly, begs the question, 'how much of ourselves do we really know?. My first reaction from reading your excellently presented piece and relating to almost every nuance of your plight, was that I would walk away, as you appear to have done, but I would not look back. I would accept that I have gone as far as I could positively go with this journey, but now I have nothing more to give and I can leave with a clear, relatively stable and balanced conscience. So I would leave , chalk it up as experience and I would be firm and resolute in my decision, that's the person I am. End of story! Then I read your tale again, and then again and it suddenly just started dawning on me how potent and insidiously contaminating this sort of deviant interactions and connections with the family you've described can be, not to mention the terriffyingly beguiling lures and pulls that challenges one, emotionally, mentally and psychologically. I truly can appreciate the state you are in right now. I think I can understand how your consciouness has now become vunrable to all the machinations despite your aforethought and present take on things. Its horrifying to acknowledge that where humans and emotions are concerned, we can never really know or be certain. Cynical, gloomy, defeatist, optimist or realist even?. Take your pick! In your case, I must admit that I'm rather shaken for I can relate having had two near encounters slightly similar to yours and I can even relate to certain aspects of your personality as gleamed from your analysis of this experience. Your intropections are grounded. In my case, admittedly not as intense as yours, I walked and didn't look back. I LIE!!!.....one does look back, the scars are heavy and can be deep, and one does look back, tobe quite honest, it actually never heals, a link remains that must just be put away as war wounds. The clever people are those who strictly monitor their involvements with some , on the basis that you never know whats round the corner, and despite well laid, well intentioned plan, someone can come round the corner and upset the applecart. But then, isn't that what life is about, anyway?. With matters as they are with youright now, have you considered talking to the authorities and making sure that any other support system you have round you, are aware of what has happened and your rational concerns. Accept mentally and emotionally, that you've done as much as you sanely could and you owe it to yourself and your santy and your future, to get of this journey. Dare I say, that if you are as smart and as intelligent as I think you are, you know what to do.........how much toxicity can a mind takes before its smothers out...........???

    • RE: My Experience with a Volatile, Bipolar Person

      Posted on June 17, 2012 at 11:24 PM (UTC) ( 11 months ago )
      replies: 1
      Af1763183864f0a0e6b7574de5adebe2

      wrote the following:

      You are right, I am a logical, I know what's best for me, I went in with my eyes open and I have strong coping mechanisms. The issue is that this person has none of these things. Their talent for manipulation and sheer audacity in flaunting this ability to anyone (they deliberately tried to psych one of my friends out when they met them and laughed when they revealed this to me) caught me off guard. I could see I was changing, I knew it was because of them but the draw of them was far too strong. Essentially, I underestimated their power and want of it, and overestimated my own strength of character and will. I think it is interesting how you've used the words "lures and pulls", it felt like they were using a push-pull technique of reeling me in with affection whilst simultaneously giving me the cold shoulder leaving me desperate for more whilst still not ever feeling close to them. This is why I still now do not feel resolute in my decision and feel a need for closure which I know will never come or be satisfactory. What I have gleamed from the experience is that I had exceptionally bad luck, but I did in fact seek this person out. I had been so stable for so many years and needed a little madness in my life. I can't say I regret it as I have come off almost unharmed and have 'nipped it in the bud' before things got too serious. Luckily I am a student and have been free for many months now so this hasn't affected my life terribly and I can now begin to recoup over summer. I intend to abstain from excesses and find more peace with myself. If anything, I can be thankful I am not like them and don't have to face such an illness or a horrible, violent past. It's important that I take what I can from the whole experience to save myself from falling into a deeper depression. I sort of want them to live on in my mind... but then that seems far too dangerous right now as it delves into fantasy as well as lying to myself. I keep swaying between pity and disgust for this person, but there's always the thought that we did share something and I'm not mad for thinking it was real. Thank you for taking the time to read it all. It helps to corroborate my thoughts and feelings. Most people I have spoken to about the subject think I'm taking it too seriously and that this person is not my responsibility and so should move on instantaneously. They are right and I should, it's been 4 weeks since I last saw to the person, but there lingers the maternal instinct, even now any other attraction has subsided. I don't think that it can be rationalised really and is probably a big contributing factor into why women allow themselves to be used the way we do.

      • RE: My Experience with a Volatile, Bipolar Person

        Posted on June 22, 2012 at 02:10 AM (UTC) ( 11 months ago )
        replies: 1
        B68cad77a246a22811457c8447869c0d

        wrote the following:

        Good on you!! I think your head is in a good place and I'm impressed by your wholesomeness, intelligence and maturity. I like your mind and would want a friend like you. I really can see you and I talking for hours for you have an exceptionally stimulating and reflective mind. Regarding your saga, I'm glad you have things in perspectives and you're in tune within. Good luck and keep me posted!!

        • RE: My Experience with a Volatile, Bipolar Person

          Posted on June 23, 2012 at 12:07 AM (UTC) ( 11 months ago )
          replies: 1
          Af1763183864f0a0e6b7574de5adebe2

          wrote the following:

          Thank you, that was a very kind thing to say. As the time's passed I have come to accept what happened to me. It's such a pity though as now I am suspicious of everyone and insecure about my own strength as a result, where before I was blissfully ignorant. I suppose it's all part of growing up and I've just been lucky with the people in my life up until this point. My only remaining worry is that people less stable than me fall so easily into these situations with no hope of escape and I'm powerless to help. Because at the end of the day, you can't really help who you fall for.

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