I know it sounds lame and selfish, but it's true I miss my destructive old self. Sadly That was the bad part about my life. What I miss most is my friends and the drugs. Mostly the drugs. I just don't want to wonder about my life anymore. I want to know what I want to do. Who I want to trust, ignore what people tell me is wrong and what's right. But honestly, I told myself I wouldn't go back to doing that. Cause I always turned out to be you know, wrong. So I said I wouldn't trust myself anymore. I always find myself more alone. I always find myself being more disliked than others. I always find myself out of place. Everywhere I go. It's not fair, it really isn't. I feel like I want to live my life more alone and not having to fit in anywhere. But I'm a person too. I might just be having a weird self image and saying this out of self pity and people think I'm an attention whore, but this is how I feel. Pretty out of place and that nobody really notices me or even tries not to notice me. I mean being young and shit makes it worse and gives people permission to judge me. I'm still me as before just a little more confused and less cute and yet crazy. I actually liked that self image. The little asian girl who went around doing drugs. But I know that that image meant nothing to people. Everyone went around having sex and fun and actually living their lives when I would just sit around acting cool or something. I just don't get my life anymore. My mind isn't racing but maybe this is just a feeling i've never felt before? whatevs. I'm pretty happy with my life anyway, no school or getting up early for useless shit. I can live without it right? hope so d: I'm not even sure what I'm complaining about. I guess I'm just less confused now that I'm not around people that often anymore. Being around too many people extremely annoyed and I just dislike them very much. But most of the time I think that they don't like me very much so I should appreciate it anyway. Which I should, buuuut whatever. It's not like anybody ever reaaaaaally talks to me anyway. I just feel very unloved maybe. Confused and hormonal and darn. I hate being this age. hahahaha I can't wait till I get older and I would know more stuff about myself. Yes. I called this a confession but it should be more of a rant. Because I always seem to go on an on and on about my life that really has no problems but honestly, I have no idea why I'm even complaining. Maybe all of those reasons up there and just shoving all my feelings aside make my head hurt more in the long run.. I just wish my thoughts wouldnt run back to summer like three years ago. I feel like I haven't changed at all, honestly. LAME
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