I dont know where I went wrong with everything. I feel so numb. Sometimes I wonder if life is even worth living. I have nothing my way. It seems as though the whole world is against everything I want and believe in and I just want time to go faster so I can try and do this on my own. I hate everything about living at home now. My mothers best friend is the bottle. My father is a condescending judgemental know it all jerk. The rest of the family is estranged, and I like it that way. I never have an escape. I have my hobbies but it seems as though as time goes on I lose interest. I want to get married. I have a special person in my life. That person who doesnt judge me or hurt me. The person who simply just wants to make me smile. The person who would do anything for me. Im lost. Im alone now. I cant seem to find an alternate void. Theres things I need to remember about being a parent. So much Ive learned from living with my own. They think everything their children say or do is "against them." They are hateful unfriendly people. I wish to be nothing like them. My mother is tied to the bottle. When she drinks I dont even know who the hell she is anymore. Its like someone switched her with some crazy drunk 21 year old from a bar. This wouldnt be so bad if she wasnt drunk 50% of the time.. My dad and I are a story all our own. He basically hates me, and I dont really mind because I hate him too. He never says anything to me other then negative things. He puts me down more than the assholes at high school used to do. The older I get the more I realize that I will never get there approval, and Im also starting to realize how unimportant there approval is to me. The person I love and choose to be with isnt enough. Because of outstanding circumstances. I will wait. Nobody knows but Im waiting. Im thinking about letting it all go and packing it up for Vegas as soon as possible. Im going to start saving every dime I can. Im going to join a risky business and drop it all. I want to make myself proud and no one else. And I guess in the end when Im a parent someday I need to remember these simple rules.: 1. Do not deny your teenage son or daughter resources when it comes to sex. If they are in love, put the girl on birth control and give access to condoms to your son. I guarantee you they are going to anyways. 2. Do not drink. Your children will grow to hate you and your habit. Things will become onesided. 3. When your child reaches 14 and up, pick your battles. 4. Do not start fights over small things. A revealing shirt isnt worth the anger. 5. If your child comes to you to share depression thoughts or cutting with you, take action. Dont make them feel bad for doing so. They need help. 5 rules could change a life time of resentment and anger. So maybe I wont know them in a few years, and I kind of dont want too. Maybe, just maybe, things will get better. But right now, I think this sinkhole hell hole will continue to be my life.
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