Talking about this seems to be a pity me party but in really does it matter. No matter what kind of life I have does it really make a difference. Maybe I just don't want life anymore. I've tried several medications, I've tried the therapy. Medication seems a dud. Finally found a therapist I like... but does that change the fact I don't want this feeling anymore. I don't want to talk. I don't want to eat. I don't want to do anything. Sometimes it all gets the best of me and I fall into a bad place, I start to lash out... and act inappropriately. I can't remember how reckless I get sometimes, but then it all goes back to.... whatever it goes back to. So what if I want to die? The thought of blowing my brains out over and over and over in slow motion... seems scary, but peaceful. I mean I may have to go on to disability anyway. Why do I have the right to put that burden on to people. I don't want to go back to the psyche ward again... someone has to pay for it and it's probably my family. I don't want that. Maybe I can try to make enough so I don't own anymore debt... and have enough to take care of everything afterwards... then... I just end it. So sure I made the mistake of bring this up... wow how people just go crazy on me.... It's kind of scary really.... maybe I am just screwed up for thinking so... but what if they join me. What if everyone who would ever be sad for my going... even though I've been mostly worthless for the longest time. I'm just living for everyone else anyway. Sure I have my good moments... but It's really more of a tease, it just goes back to what they are. I don't want to feel anymore. And I don't care to see anything else. I do love them... maybe I'm just bad at loving people. Why would they be so sad if I died anyway. Better to keep memories of when I was well than what I am now. Ya... just wait it out right? What if I'm tired of "waiting it out". I wish we could all just go or that no one would care if I died. No more ties.
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