Talking about this seems to be a pity me party but in really does it matter. No matter what kind of life I have does it really make a difference. Maybe I just don't want life anymore. I've tried several medications, I've tried the therapy. Medication seems a dud. Finally found a therapist I like... but does that change the fact I don't want this feeling anymore. I don't want to talk. I don't want to eat. I don't want to do anything. Sometimes it all gets the best of me and I fall into a bad place, I start to lash out... and act inappropriately. I can't remember how reckless I get sometimes, but then it all goes back to.... whatever it goes back to. So what if I want to die? The thought of blowing my brains out over and over and over in slow motion... seems scary, but peaceful. I mean I may have to go on to disability anyway. Why do I have the right to put that burden on to people. I don't want to go back to the psyche ward again... someone has to pay for it and it's probably my family. I don't want that. Maybe I can try to make enough so I don't own anymore debt... and have enough to take care of everything afterwards... then... I just end it. So sure I made the mistake of bring this up... wow how people just go crazy on me.... It's kind of scary really.... maybe I am just screwed up for thinking so... but what if they join me. What if everyone who would ever be sad for my going... even though I've been mostly worthless for the longest time. I'm just living for everyone else anyway. Sure I have my good moments... but It's really more of a tease, it just goes back to what they are. I don't want to feel anymore. And I don't care to see anything else. I do love them... maybe I'm just bad at loving people. Why would they be so sad if I died anyway. Better to keep memories of when I was well than what I am now. Ya... just wait it out right? What if I'm tired of "waiting it out". I wish we could all just go or that no one would care if I died. No more ties.

2 responses to Why stop my death?

  1. I know this feeling. I know you won't believe me, but you have to... It does get better. It takes a long time, but it does get better. You have to think selflessly in this situation, you're not a burden at all. I spend my life looking after my father because he has a mental illness and it made me majorly depressed but, whilst he was telling me 'I don't want this anymore, I'm just a burden' all I kept thinking was 'I need you as much as you need me. I can't cope without you now'.
    It feels like no one cares, like no one would even notice if you vanished. But they would, everyone would and you would be leaving everyone who obviously cared for you heartbroken. Your parents would pay for you to go to a psyche ward if needed, but that's because they love you.
    I just want you to believe me, even though I know words probably mean nothing to you right now. Please, just think before do anything. People care and they love you inside out.
  2. I can relate to your life completely , even though its a different situation I know the feeling, especially when people tell you to "wait it out" its like just shut up. With life taking a huge crap on my life I sat in my room putting that belt around my neck getting ready to end it, BUT in that moment I heard a soft knock on my door , my little sister walked in and told me she loved me with all her heart smiled and walked away.. I dont know what you believe , but I believe God sent her. I was never really a fan of all that religon but something drew me to him and I saw it was more than just a religon its a relationship and I am happier than ever.
    You have people that love you and would die if you ended it. I don't know you but the thought of you even considering this breaks me. You have an amazing purpose, and God will help you overcome anything life hands you. I don't want you to be offended if you don't believe in God but he does love you more than you could ever imagine , and all he wants is you in his arms. Please do not give up.

    Heres my blog : http://madebeautifullyunique.blogspot.com/
    If you ever need advice or somebody to talk to you can email me : mishay_m@yahoo.com