Please read this and comment, it would help me

wrote the following:

Okay, so here I am...day 3 of my breakup...this time is really it...I feel different about this time.  I am sad & I feel a bit lost but I also feel alot of other things; hope, disgust, even hatred.  I am doing okay except my feelings are inconsistent.  For a few hours I feel powerful and then at other times I feel helpless & hopeless...this is the part I hate.  I find myself wondering if he is thinking about me right now, but I doubt it since he's propably with her.  18 years of cheating, lies, emotional abuse.  How am I going to get beyond this?  I have a 10 year old son with this bastard, his only child nonetheless.  She has a child from her previous marriage and a grandchild whom he supports all of them, bought a house for them behind my back.  I work 2 jobs to support my son and he doesn't help me out at all.  He told me he was through with her 3 years ago and was going to sell the house (both names are on the deed).  He's been staying with me for 3 years.  I caught him there on the morning of Independence day (kind of ironic) and also found out that he has an additional cell phone that I was unaware of.  It's all too much for me -- I can't do it anymore.  Why would he continue to string me along?  I hate the way I feel right now -- I don't want to be ANYWHERE...why is that?  How can someone have so much control over your mind?  I found out about her early in my pregnancy.  He denied it but throughout my pregnancy he continued to get caught, propably because I had a reason to look for clues & signs.  He gave me the most miserable pregnancy anyone could imagine.  I was alone in my new condo and slept on the couch every night because I was afraid to be alone.  I cried every single day during my pregnancy.  He was busy spending time with her because she was pissed that I was pregnant.  She knew about me, I didn't know about her.  She came to his house and confronted him while I was there when I was about 8 weeks pregnant.  He denied it but then he continued to see her.  He told me it was over, told me all kinds of shit.  My dumb ass just wanted to make things right by the time the baby was born.  Well, it was never right.  After the baby I was preoccupied taking care of a newborn and holding down a full time job.  He was spending lots of time with her.  We would fight because I knew about it & would confront him.  I could not believe this was my life.  When my son was about 3, I found out he went with her on vacation.  He had been telling me it was over for a while.  When I found out I rented out my condo and moved in with my grandparents (who were renting a condo from him) so I could have help with my son.  Plus they lived in a much nicer area and school district was becoming an issue as my son would soon be entering kindergarten.  My grandmother died like 2 years after that and my grandfather went off to live with my aunt so I assumed his condo on my own.  I was paying him FULL rent.  He wouldn't fix a thing so I got fed up and sold my condo and bought a new one in the same area, and moved out.  He was pissed, i guess b/c that was a little loss of control.  In hindsight, I should have stayed there and not pay rent and let him take my ass to court -- I wonder what the judge would have said to that.  Let me explain that I do not get child support, nor has he ever given me anything -- I don't let him take my son alone and he doesn't deserve to but not because he doesn't pay.  I think he is some sort of a Sociopath.  I am not an MSW but I do have a college degree, have taken courses in psychology but more importantly, I have done research on the internet and the traits sound alot like him.  He holds that over my head.  I've asked for financial help from him but he says if he gives me money he will be taking my son on his own.  My son hates his guts.  He has roughed him up a few times and threatens him regurlary, screams at him, etc.  He has also been physical with me in front of our son.  This is his only child, can you imagine?  This girl he has cheated on my with has him so strung out that he can't even be right with his son.  So anyway, I found out they bought a house together.  He actually slept with me at my house the night before his closing.  I found out because he disappeared for a week and I managed to get into his bank account to find he was charging things on this vacation, where he was, and i also found a mortgage payment for a house I knew nothing about, so I looked into it further and found that they purchased this house a few months earlier together. HE was still with me...and I can't understand.  About a  week after I found out, I went to the house and confronted him in front of her.  She acted like she was unaware we were still together but the bitch knew he was with me because he was sleeping over like 5 times a week, so where the fuck did she think he was????  I let her know.  So, as you would expect I ended it with him and sure enough, he comes crying saying he made a mistake and wanted to work things out with me.  Those first 2 months he was with me all the time, not sure what he was telling her.  So that like 2 and a half years ago and since then he's been telling me he is not with her, he is selling the house, etc...  I don't believe that anymore.  I believe he is not doing nothing.  SHe is okay with it since she has the house so it is up to me  And I told him if i ever catch him there I am through.  So I caught him there on july 4th and I made the decision for it to be over.  He's not calling me and i think he wanted to be caught but who knows.  He has been accusing me for years of cheating -- can you imagine.  This mother fucker does all this to me and has the nerve to tell me he thinks i am cheating?  I tell him I would think that too, i couldn't imagine anyone staying with me if i did to them what he did to me.  What i don't understand is why he would do this to me.  No one can answer that for me and I wish someone could.  So here I am...me taking care of our 10 year old son, in the little condo I managed to afford on my own.  He's in this house with this bitch and her kid and her grandkid.  Sometimes I wish he would die.  I am writing this because I don't even have anyone to talk to about it and I keep reading things that say it's good to get things off of your chest by writing.  Alot has happened in between but this is the jist of it.  Is there some man out there who could explain to me why this is.  I am a very attractive educated professional.  This was my first and only boyfriend.  I think having some answers would help me get past this.  I can't ask him for the truth because he is a compulsive liar.  I don't even want to give him the option of telling me the truth to make himself feel better.  I just want me to be okay.  He can't love me or his son for what he has done to us.  I am sure my son feels and sees what I have been going through as much as I try to mask it.  I hate him for what he did to me and I know there is no hope for a future with him.  I already tried that.  He's not giving this girl up for nothing.  How do I make myself okay?  Thanks for reading.