what gets me every time

This is my venting blog for all things that really get me. Things that annoy me in such a way that they effect my everyday existance. First a bit of a background so you know what im working off. A messed up mind set due to life being defined by a handful of events that have rendered my way of thinking and altered the way i think about things.Now if anyone takes the time to read this id like to see some coment made,possitive neggitive or indiferent. Theres times from day to day i find myself questioning everything i do and why i do it,why i say things i know are offensive or just plain strange.I wish i knew what being an all round quite person from day to day and then coming out things that people find are not a good thing to say in that situation means iv social anxiety,only made worse by past drug use and abuse but not on a heavy scale.To get more to the point what im talking about here is me being annoyed at myself for mstakes iv made in the past and at the time knowing i should have been a better person.although this all sounds like. a load of waffle to anyone reading this,it might actually help someone in my position knowing there not alone in there self hating.and ya its vain to be this way but insecurites are rampant from previous evens ill diclose in next blog.lets put it this way my closest friend think im a skitso and think i have no brain,now having said that they put up with my shit untill recently when i started going out with a beautiful girl that seems to know me better than myself and is alwas looking out for me tring to steer me in the right direction.im deeply paranoid about being cheated on or taken for a fool at every turn,i want to believe that this girl is serious about me and i hope that one day i can be less awkward or less of a fool like people see me.these feelings have effeccted my relationsip with my family to the extent that making small talk with them is like forcing someone to want to be interested in what you have to say so i say nothing most of the time.this being my first ever blog,please expect it to be all over the place.i need to change my mindset to one looking for fun when its the right time,one that has a good attutide towards all people i meet,to come out of my shell/out from under my rock.now i have been trying recently to make things better but its hard to change habbits iv known for some time now.i am depressed but try my best to cover it with fake smiles and its got to the point where people notice it easy and makes them feel uncomfortable around me.the solitude i expreience is sitting ok with me as i dont mind not havin anyone to frustrate,get on the wrong side of say the wrong thing or upset.i try my best to come up with goos jokes to releave the tension in the room but still no matter day of the week it is i can feel that self hating coming through.its not a problem as long as people i know dont know these things about me and thats the way i try keep it.i want to be seen with my head held high so people want to talk meet up and then be talked to with respect and i can say thats what most people want.stop moving the mouse.i dont care who knows this but i want to write and post it so its not playing on my mind.i am what some people call a wierdo and others a freak.idont deal with life the way everyone does and iv only myself to blame for that but giving enough tie ill work out all my issues and try fix broken friendships with people and m family more importantly who had given me to strenght to not take that final plunge and kill myself.no i insead am trying to make right what iv fucked up all my life.take te cowards way out and this cannot be done,i owe alot to the persistance of their unconditional help with my sensitive nature.i will make things right some day soon and my next blog might be a bit brighter with more focus on the points that effected me in such a way that i find the world an almost impossible place to understand fully and comprehend the peoples attutides towards me or why they say and do the things i do.ending now by saying if anyone does come across this post and reads it all the way to hear,im not looking for any sympathy but instead i would love it if u gave your complete honest opionin on me from this and abuse will even be accepted as iv no hang upsabout that.i know most of the reason why people give abuse for a man acting this way but at the same time i know my truth and want to keep my business as up front and honest as possible.one more note on the girl in my life,she manges to help me with alot while talking care of what needs to be done i admire that in her,shes forward...which is what i need if i want to improve myself she makes it easy for me to sociallize and is a fun person being both smart and witty.this is why i want to stay with her and shake off the insecurities about her finding a more capable man.lacking alot but having no guidence without her i will find myself slipping into situations i no longer need to be in.she is the one personas wethat doesnt seem to judge me by my stupid outbursts or by what i say when i feel like my mind is going.i want to make life right honest and be accepted for my flaws no matter how strange or off putting they may seem.this ends being a reminder to you that yes there is someone out there that has so many problem with themselves they cant function in society like the average joe so instead they try be honest about whats really going on with them.i hope i can fight this urge to end it all some day to the point that i dont think about every few hours and drag down the people around me by beig quietly depressed.starting anti-depressants soon.