Posted on June 21, 2008 at 01:09 PM (PDT)
( about 1 year ago);
section: rant / life
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ive been diagnosed with depression for about six months but thought to have suffered from it for three years undiagnosed. I attend counceling weekly and see a psychiatrist every 6-8 weeks, i also take fluoxetine which appears to be making no difference to my mental state as in the last month it has been deteriorating fast to the point where im using all of my will power to stop attempting suicide for what would be the third time because i dont want to hurt my family or friends. My sister especially, shes two years younger than me and lives with my father from whom i may have inherited my illness, he suffers from a range of mental illnesses and has done for as long as i remember him. At the moment he's particularly bad and is waiting for a bed in a ward because he's not coping at home. If it wasn't for the weak emotonal state of my younger sibling i wouldve killed myself a long time ago. But i cant. Instead im stuck like this, a state which i call "scribble head", where i have so many contradicting thoughts buzzing around my head constantly that i cant sleep,eat or concentrate, my constant up and down moods have been taken out on my close friends and mother who doesnt understand why im being so horrible because she's unaware of my illness and that i go to councelling etc, we've never been particularly close and i find it easy to lie to her so it's no struggle to keep my problem from her, i even managed to convince her that the trip to a+e after my overdose in february was actually me being ill from too much stress from my mock A levels. I prefer her not knowing anyway, ive never been able to tell my mother anything,this way its easier for both of us. But at the moment my biggest problem is the possibility of misdiagnosis. My councellor and psychiatrist are particulary bad at their job, as are most of the people i've encountered from the NHS mental health services and i believe they may have mistaken my problem for depression because it's so commonly diagnosed. I study psychology and hope to do so in university, ever since a young age ive researched mental illnesses in an attempt to understand my dad and why he is the way he is and i believe that i may suffer from borderline personality disorder. The symptoms and causes very much describe my problem and on monday im planning to ring my gp [who i think is the best doctor ive encountered, shes nice,understanding and good at her job,unlike most] and tell her of my theory then shell probably talk to me about it and refer me to my psychiatrist who'll tell me whether they agree or not. Im worried though that it might be bipolar affective mood disorder. I suppose ill just have to voice my fears and see what the doctors say. Im unsure though because they seem so disconnected with me,especially my councellor.They misenterpret everything i say and i feel like they inaccurately prioritise each of my problems. I lost two stone in a week after starting my fluoxetine and told my psychologist that it worried me however he just brushed it of and said id be fine, i was worried because my father suffered from an eating disorder as a side effect of either his illness or medication, of this i cant be sure. Since that apointment which was about a month ago my wieght has dropped rapidly, none of my clothes fit, i struggle to eat and have no appetite and ive recieved many negative comments about my weight loss which hasnt helped my self esteem. So i hope that they take this seriously and i hope to find out what's wrong with me so it can be helped before its too late because i'm really struggling at the moment and im on my own, i just want the help i need,the answers to my questions and the reassurance i crave.
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5 responses to sixteen and mentally unstable
RE: sixteen and mentally unstable
Posted on June 21, 2008 at 04:03 PM (PDT) ( about 1 year ago )wrote the following:
Hang on in there. Just because the professionals you've seen have misinterpreted your symptoms doesn't mean everyone will. You need to be able to confide in someone who you can respect - all this research that you're doing will probably only make you want to challenge people you feel more knowledgable than. It will obviously satisfy your need to label your condition, but it will only give you more to worry about until you find someone you can trust. Don't do anything rash, and concentrate on caring for your dad and sister. JLS
RE: sixteen and mentally unstable
Posted on June 22, 2008 at 11:25 AM (PDT) ( about 1 year ago )wrote the following:
Hun, you're being treated for depression when in fact it sounds like bipolar. I was diagnosed with bipolar 16 years ago. These "contradicting thoughts" you mentioned are a classic sign. Ups and downs are common with bipolar 1. This is the more debilitating of the 2. You need to see a better doctor, and get on the right meds and your life back on track. You are TOO YOUNG to be living this way. Please, put your foot down and speak up on your health treatment plans and options.
RE: sixteen and mentally unstable
Posted on June 22, 2008 at 09:19 PM (PDT) ( about 1 year ago )wrote the following:
i hope you read this.
when i was 15 i was diagnosed with depression and they put me on lexapro. nothing happened, i was still having racing thought, planning out my suicide, writing and journaling nonstop and constantly feeling like i was going to break at any second. the medicine never seemed to work. so we switched psychiatrists, and i started taking effexor. when i was on that, i weighed MAYBE 90 pounds and i was taking about 250 mg which was WAY TOO MUCH. i started hillucinating and having horrifying dreams and really disturbing thoughts. i cut myself alot and attempted suicide, and they brought me to a psychiactric hospital but there were no beds available, so my parents drove me to houston where my aunt lives to go to the emergancy room. they didnt know what to do with me, no one could figure out what was wrong with me and why the meds werent working. they thought that if they left me alone for 5 seconds i would do something to myself. so i went to a psych doctor there and he diagnosed me with depression/anxiety. he told me that my past psychiatrist had put me on the wrong meds and too high of a dosage. so he put me on paxil and depacote, paxil as an antidepressant and depacote as a mood stabalizer. the medicine never worked.
the only thing that saved me from myself and from the depression, the mood instability, the WHATEVER IT WAS that i felt like was eating at me like a CANCER...the ONLY THING that lifted that everyday burden, that black cloud around my brain, that feeling of hopelessness and that overwhelming desire to DIE, was Jesus Christ. I prayed for him to save me and i became a christian, and let me tell you, the MOMENT i prayed that prayer, it was lifted off of me. i felt my mental sickness LEAVE. i was healed. 3 years of suffering, and then i experienced instantaneous healing from the One who knew that he was the only thing that could fill me up. christ filled up my hole and made me want to LIVE. thats a miracle.
i hope that you work throught everything that you are going through. just know that my story is true, and i dont know what you believe, whatever it is i RESPECT it, and my heard goes out to you because i know exactly how you feel. i will pray that the grace of the Lord captures you and heals you and gives you a new life, the way he gave me new life.
ps-- 4 different psychiatrists diagnosed me with mental illness and prescribed me medicine. remember, that is how they stay in business, that is how they make their money. i used to think that i would be on meds forever. i have been off of them for a little over a year now, and i feel amazing. Christ can do it all.
:)
RE: sixteen and mentally unstable
Posted on June 23, 2008 at 01:10 PM (PDT) ( about 1 year ago )wrote the following:
Hi,
I havent had any direct experiences such as yourself but my younger sister has just been released after being detatined in a hospital under the mental health act so i have been doing some research about it and learning how to be stronga nd helpful to my siser
You sound incredibily astute, and have such insight into your feelings which i believe is a huge positive. My sister denied her behaviour and feelings and she only got worse. once she began being more open about it and actually accepted that she was having some mental health issues she really began to progress.
She still has mental health problems but as we (mum,bro,sis etc) all know about it we can help her through it and can talk about it with one another. You could try and tell yourr mum as you never know she may make it easier for you?i speak openly about my sisters mental health issues (with her permission) we as a family decided to be open and frank with close friends and other family members, not only to try and break taboos and stigmas but to get any advice or any snippets of info as we could from others that could help us along the way.
Sorry for babbling on, but i feel that you sound such an illegient insightful person that you can beat this and you can carry on and lead a happy life. ignore comments form others about your weight and focus on you and what you and most importantly ask for the help you need, shout it from the roof tops as you will and can be happy.
your younger sister needs you and you need her
RE: sixteen and mentally unstable
Posted on July 02, 2009 at 09:03 AM (PDT) ( 8 months ago )wrote the following:
I know how you feel. I am only 14 years old. I am going through severe depression. I am to scared to tell my parents. I think they would freak out. I often think about suicide. They only thing that stops me is my family and friends. I cant imagine leaving everyone. But when I am alone I just want to cry annd kill myself. If the psychiatrists work maybe I will try them. But I think Everyone deserves a life without going through depression. It sucks.