So I see a random post about someone reconnecting with their first love and the opening line catches my eye.  My first love recently came back into my life and he & I were together around the ages as mentioned.  I was 14 he was 16.  At 15 I ended up pregnant.  My mother and father took the decision out of my hands and made me have an abortion and shipped me across town to my brother and sister-in-law.  He and I were separated for several months.  When I came home, we tried to sneak around and managed to stay together for almost another year but I think he felt guilty (I was told that due to some scarring, I would most likely not ever be able to have children).  I wanted him to be my one and only but it didn't work that way.  At 16 he disappeared from my life.  I still hoped and prayed he would come back and even on my 18th birthday I was reluctant to go out with my family because I had convinced myself he knew I was 'legal' now and would be coming to get me.  He never did.   I heard rumors now & then about him.  He was married.  He was a dad several times over.  So I finally moved on at age 19.  I had been single and celibate since him and got with someone who knew the whole story (a friend from high school who ran into a girlfriend of mine that gave him my number)  Thig guy ended up being a user.  He treated me like a princess (just like my first love did) but when I was hooked, he changed.  He tried to put hands on me but I was raised to not accept that from anyone so I fought back.  He changed tactics and became verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive.  This I didn't know how to deal with.  He knew all of my insecurities and prayed on them incessantly.  It took me almost 3 years and 2 suicide attemps to get him out of my system.   For the next year I was once again single and celibate.  I was now 22 and had put on weight and now obtained myself an inferiority complex.  I started working at a little hole in the wall video store and a little angel walked into my life.  He was 16 and he was beautiful.  He became my best friend.  He was too young to get serious with so I was safe.  He was a baby so I didn't have to be scared of him.  I started to go out again with him on my arm.  Oh yeah, he was a twin so occasionally I would go with both boys and have matching bookends.  We would just hang out and when I was approached by unwanted male attention, he would step up and act like I was with him but if I wanted to talk to someone he would make himself scarce.  He called me his supersize supermodel and it helped build me back up and give me confidence in myself again.  Over the course of a year it did bloom into something more.  We messed around a couple of times but we both realized we wanted to be friends more than lovers that could maybe ruin the friendship.  That was the right thing to do because 18 years later, we are still best of friends. While hanging with him, I met my husband (soon to be ex).  He was not the typical type I was attracted to.  My friend told me back then and several times over the years that he thinks I was still gun shy from the abusive guy and that may have been why I chose him.  He was so passive.  So easy going.  So easy to bend to my will.  We dated for about a year before I moved in with him.  He came from a family used to depending on government assistance where I had been taught to always make my own way.  He worked sporadically and I was a stable, gainfully employed person.  I love to read, go to ballet and symphony and plays.  He liked to sit around watching old reruns of Cops or play video games.  But at this point in my life I think I was scared I was going to be alone for the rest of my life so I settled.  I let his lacsidasical ways be enough.  We were together 11 years then finally got married.  For 4 more years we stayed together.  Then I just couldn't take it any more.  Over the course of the relationship we had dealt with his philandering but I let it go.  He convinced me it was just flirtation with female co-workers.  Then we moved in to care for my ailing parents.  He didn't work steady so he became primary care giver.  Once mom passed, my dad started getting worse.  He found a steady job in the evenings so I would only see him in passing as I would come home right when he was leaving for work.  He ended up starting a relationship with a regular customer that I only found out about by a slip up on his part.  But once again, I decided to try and get past this.  I know now that I was doing it because I was selfish and needed him there to care for my father and I was still scared to be alone.  But 2 years of counseling, communication classes and still catching him in lies about assinine things, I was done. I started trying to find ways to get my dad cared for so I wouldn't have to depend on this man for that part of my life.  During this process, we had stopped being intimate.  In fact it had been 9 months since we had done more than just sleep in the same bed.  Then on facebook, my first love reached out to contact me.  Out of the blue.  We talked a few days via IM then exchanged phone numbers and talked a few days by phone and text before we met in person.  The first night we just sat a park and talked for hours.  Well, there was a little kissing but only a little.  Over the next couple of weeks I spent most all of my free time with him.  We discussed our history.  He told me he really did feel guilt over his imagined ruination of my life (I never had children and in fact had several miscarriages that he blamed himself for).  He was carrying so much baggage over us that needed closure.  He had been with the same woman for 20 years, raised her 4 kids and had 4 more with her.  He says he never loved anyone as much as he did me and if it wasn't for wanting to be there for her kids then having his own with her, he never would have stayed.  And he thought I hated him so he never came back to me.  I told him of my daydreams of him coming to get me on my 18th Bday but by then he was 20 and expecting his first child with her.    They have been apart for more than 3 years (cheating on her part) and now he and I are together.  My husband thinks I just up and left him out of the blue to get with this man but honestly, the timing may look bad but it was already in the works before I got involved with the first love again.  But now I am at a loss.  He (1st love) had a long distance relationship that he says was winding down when we got together but every time I give him a little trust, he makes me doubt him by continutng to keep this woman around.  He swears to me its just a friendship but too many times I have seen things that read as more.  With both his and mine history of spouses cheating, I asked him to only speak with her when I am around so I know it is on the up and up.  He agreed but then I find out he goes to his daughters house and used the phone there to talk to her (so I don't see it on the bill).  I only talk to my best friend (from above) every couple of months and anything I have to say to him, I can say in front of my man because it truly is only just friends.  If he can't talk to his frinend in front of me, what is he hiding?  But he won't see it that way.  He thnks I am just trying to be controlling because of my past.  So am I a sucker for wanting to believe he wants to be with me?  He just told me yesterday that he wants to go to my father and properly ask for my hand in marriage but is that because I just busted him talking to her again behind my back and he wants to appease me?  I want to trust him and not make him pay for my husbands mistakes but how can I when he keeps doing this.  

1 response to The many loves and losses of me

  1. That really sucks. well done for being so strong though. If it was possible, seeing your best friend more often may help? and don't always see him in front of your fella, even things out, make him see how it feels! I suggest just giving your man an ultimatum, see how much this long distance lady means to him! I hope everything works out for you<3