stream of thought; quite depressing

I dont even know where to begin. i feel like maybe im not living, like maybe everyone around my is in the world, living in it, and im just laying in my bathtub cutting myself, wondering what would happen if i went to a bar, met a trashy messed up guy, and moved foward with that. im just wondering if im ever going to be happy, if im ever going to be romantically involved with anyone. im just wondering how long im going to have flirty friendships and how long im going to continue living a luke warm life with nothing happening. no feelings, i am numb, but i will probably never be able to feel again anyway. i wish that i had someone to talk to, someone who could listen and who couldreally understand all of my feelings, someone who didnt pretend to listen, someone who would look at me in my eyes when i talked. i cant deal with pretending to like people anymore when i am so tired from trying to carry myself around. trying to avoid drugs, alcohol and sex because that road has taken me into hell.  i dont want to do that crap again, but at the same time, i wish i could feel emotions, i wish i could talk to someone and i wish that i could understand that everything is going to be ok. and for once in my life i wish i could believe that maybe one day i will be in love, like really in love, not just hanging onto the guy who provided my weed, my sex, and my awesome music and art.. something real, something godly, something whole and deep. not surface or empty love. i feel stupid for blogging this. i have had too much coffee and i need to go to sleep. but what will happen when i wake up? ill wish i was still asleep and ill wish that i could numb my depression that is always existing inside of me. the only thing that i can feel right now is ryan adams. but all he does is go to rehab, make an album, go to rehab, make an album. whats that shit all about. no more thinking about drugs, no more wishing that i could be someone else, somewhere else. everyone i know is seeing the world and posting happy pictures of themselves with friends and family. happiness and love. i feel a bit out of the loop, like perhaps i missed the memo on how to be happy and enjoy my life. where is my mind? i dont even know who the hell i am. someone told me once that there is no point in asking questions and writing in search of answers; he said that you will always go in circles and you will drive yourself crazy. he's so fucking right. why cant i just accept the fact that if i wanted to, i could become the wife of a stable, happy, money making graphic designer? i could move away with him. but my problem- i dont like him. i never like anyone unless i cant have them. im going to go to sleep now.